“Open me up and you will see
I’m a gallery of broken hearts
I’m beyond repair, let me be
And give me back my broken parts”
Not posting for a couple of days was necessary; work has been insanely stressful. That combined with everything happening in my personal life has sort of sent me over the edge. I want to say, first and foremost, that I am not a person that typically cries. I`m not unemotional, but this life out here in Nevada has really made me a rock of a person. I typically cope with sleep, exercise, music, or food. I`ll admit I can be an emotional eater. Sometimes 🙂
That being said, I guess I want to write about my feelings right now. “Oh no. Talking about feelings”. Oh hush. Like I said, I`m typically put together, but I feel this crack in my foundation right now and I think it is definitely because I`m missing a very large part of my daily life: Jeremy. He really is my therapy, and I`m therapy to pretty much the rest of my world, so you can see how this would put a kink in my plans to have a healthy, happy, and stable life. When you talk to someone every single day, recap the day’s madness, complain to your heart’s content, and generally are able to release pent up negative energy, and then that gets ripped away…it leaves you frazzled, and disorientated.
I will be the first to say that I took this outlet for granted, having him there for me every day on the phone. I`m sort of pissed off at myself now because we are hundreds of miles apart, and I haven’t heard from him in nearly two weeks, neither by phone or letters, and I am now realizing that he is the glue that holds me together.
So back to this crack in my foundation. I am admittedly, a lifelong sufferer of depression, anxiety, and general nuttiness. Jeremy has definitely calmed this part of me; he has changed the way I see myself, and the way I see the world. So what am I doing now? Internalizing. It isn`t difficult when everyone seems to want to talk about themselves, and not ask how I’m doing. This is my role, though, and always has been. I`m the caretaker, and people come to me with their problems. I actually don`t mind that at all, but my issue is that now I need people to be there for me and it is rare to find people who actually want to care about others above their own problems or at least give a fair balance. I do have a few amazing people in my life who have really stepped up in the friendship department and I cannot thank them enough. They have been there with words of comfort, jokes, advice, and generally just being there. I could not have made it the last few months of crazy without them.
Today at work, I found myself in my manager’s office talking about a fax I was sending one minute, and crying the next minute. I think this display of emotion shocked her, as she quickly closed her office door, and took the time to sit down and talk to me and even gave me a hug. Weird. My manager has an understanding of my life, though, especially because one of her family members has been in and out of prison for years. “It’s tough” is what I kept repeating, because I wasn`t sure what else to say. I`m not comfortable displaying lots of raw emotion, especially at work, but it just happened. I realized that I was falling apart quickly and needed to get tough again. Unlike others who get depressed and don`t know what the fix is, I know how to “fix” myself. I know I couldn`t exercise today, or bother with eating healthy. I knew I needed fries and a long nap(which is probably why I`m up now).
So yes, it is “tough”. I`m not asking anyone to feel sorry for me, and I generally don`t talk about how sad it makes me to be so in love with someone, and be forced to be apart from them. I don`t talk about that side of my emotions because I like to remain hopeful, and strong in order to help my husband, and help myself.
Today was not a bad day, but it was a “tough” day. After a long day of emotional instability, I came home to an empty mailbox, and no phone call. I’d like to say that I`ve steeled myself to every heartache that comes along with being the wife of someone incarcerated, but that wouldn`t be true. I miss my husband. I miss what we have, what we had, what could be, what never was, and what is to come.