While I was at work today, I started to think about how my marriage has absolutely no privacy at this point in time. That fact sort of trips me out to think about. Sure, I fell in love with Jeremy through a series of letters which were always scanned by the mail room, but we had transitioned into our weekly visits at Lovelock where we actually could talk privately in person. Not that we have anything to talk about that would be considered suspicious or anything of that nature, but it was nice to have a small slice of normalcy where we could actually have a conversation that was between Jeremy and Desiree, and not Jeremy, Desiree, and whomever was monitoring our calls or reading our letters.
Now that our contact visits have been ripped away from us for really no reason at all, besides there being some lying correctional officers with sticks up their asses, we are back where we started. Mail is scanned, and maybe even read all the way through, phone calls are monitored, but really how much can we say in 15 minutes, once a month, anyway? I use our ONE phone call a month for 15 minutes for getting Jeremy important, time sensitive information or letting him know what is going on. I`ve mastered the art of talking fast and maximizing our limited real time contact. Then we have our letters, which are our lifeline at this point.
Mail can take 2-3 days each way, so by the time he gets a letter from me, I`m already onto a whole new set of ideas and thoughts and it is lonely not getting an instant response to something that has made me happy or sad. I`m challenging myself to write at least 5 days a week because Jeremy really does write nearly every single day that we are separated like this. This constant writing allows me to feel connected to my husband when the rest of our life has been disconnected in a really huge way. I feel really lucky to have someone who writes letters, and not just letters, but conversations. He writes the conversations that we are missing. He responds to every little trivial remark in my letters, my questions, he provides support through his words, and he really does reinvigorate me with pen and paper. I feel like I owe him that same commitment, especially considering the circumstances right now, so every day I come home and I pull up a word document and type the day’s events, respond to his words, or just tell him that I love him a million and one times.
That was a tangent. Originally I was writing about the lack of privacy. So, we have established that all mail and phone calls are monitored so there is little to no privacy there, and this last visit with Jeremy at the maximum prison, we were put in a room with no standard prison telephone, but a speaker box(that was broken, mind you) so we had to talk loudly to be able to hear each other through the glass, often times having to repeat ourselves. I was definitely frustrated not being able to talk about things that were on my mind because of the lack of privacy. I could hear people outside of our visiting booth and I knew they could probably hear me. I don`t mind the fact that people could hear me talking, but it is another thing altogether to want to tell your husband something you don`t want the rest of the visitors to hear. So I found myself biting my tongue, or otherwise not mentioning what I really wanted to talk about because of the way visiting was set up. His parents visited with me and were nice enough to give Jeremy and I a couple of hours to visit alone but the broken speaker, glass between us, and the constant distraction of other visitors outside of our booth made it difficult to enjoy.
Right now I feel like the only privacy I have with my husband is inside my head and I keep reminding myself that nothing is forever, and this will pass, but in the meantime I have so many built up thoughts and feelings I wish I could express right now. Not in a letter that is read, not in a phone call that is recorded, but in person like a regular couple would be able to do. I hope to get back my privacy with my husband at some point, but until then, there is wine, friends, and writing this blog. While this is all VERY frustrating, I feel like coming back to the start allows us to really evaluate our life together and most definitely makes me realize just how good we had it. We have been here before and survived, and we can do it again.