Monthly Archives: April 2013

Intimacy and Infidelity

This entry is going to be exactly what you might think it is about. If you’re easily offended by anything sexual or the mere mention of infidelity, then this post is probably not for you. If you’re curious as to what my life is like in these departments, read on and may the force be with you.

It’s interesting being a prisoner’s wife because in other relationships I`ve had, with people on the outside, I have never had people so blatantly curious about my sex life, or lack thereof. One of the first questions people ask me when they find out that Jeremy is in prison is “So when do you have sex?”. Just like that. I`m sure, in the beginning, I had an awkward look on my face while I struggled to come up with an answer. “I don`t”,  has always been my response, followed by some not so nervous laughter. “So you DON’T have sex?!” *utter shock*. “Nope no sex”. This exchange of information is typically followed by some silence, as I can see the wheels in the person’s head spinning, and spinning fast.

This is my reality and it isn`t as depriving as people might think. When people learn about my situation, I think that they assume I`m out and about propositioning men for “a good time”, which makes me laugh. My own doctor, upon learning about my marriage to Jeremy, asked me if I was sleeping with other people. She even said, and I quote, “When the cat is away the mice will play”. Pretty funny, actually. No. The truth of the matter is that I haven’t had sex since before Jeremy and I were married and I was dating someone else on and off while Jeremy was trying to get me back. So it has been a minute, and though the circumstances are not the best they could be, I would take real love and verbal intimacy over a less than satisfactory relationship, where I could have lots of empty sex, any day. What about a non emotional fling? Not my cup of tea. Read on.

So what’s a girl to do? Obviously I`m not dead. I`m 28 years old and these are supposed to be my “wild years”. *snort* “Wild years” aside, I make this marriage work with my husband in all areas and I tell him all the time that any type of  sexual encounter with him is far, far better than anything I could potentially have on the outside with someone I wasn’t emotionally invested in. I actually just blushed a little while writing that because I normally confide in only a few of my close friends about this sort of stuff but here we are. I`m not going to claim to want to talk about my life and exclude portions of it.

I have become a pretty skilled dirty letter writer, and my husband’s letters to me are positively mind blowing because of his desire to make me happy. This exchange of words and emotions may seem lacking to some, but I understand the limits of my relationship right now and wholeheartedly look forward to each and every letter.  Also, before all this conspiracy silliness that is currently taking place, we would talk regularly on the phone, and I`m sure you can guess what some of our conversations about. “Phone sex”. I`m laughing now because this is sort of awkward to talk about. Okay, okay. So, any prison wife or girlfriend will be familiar with the term “phone sex” and the importance of it in the relationship. My husband’s words sustain me and for that I am grateful. This does bring me to my next part, though, which I`m hesitant to talk about because I really do feel like I`m laying myself out in the middle of the street naked.

Infidelity. How do I handle temptation in this situation?

I typically avoid temptation all together, although admittedly, most men don`t do much for me because they simply cannot compare to my husband. I have had men show interest in me, but they are shut down quickly with “I`m very married and happy”. I have had men still pursue me after they learn that Jeremy is in prison and that is the point where I have to put my bitch face on and make them understand that I`m not interested. Fun times. Just because my husband is in prison doesn’t mean I`m desperate. Take note, people.

I don`t have a problem with scoping men out, admiring their good looks and charms, but I usually don`t let any of that get the best of me. I know what I have and I love Jeremy.  I want to preface this next part with: Jeremy and I talk about everything and I would never go behind his back to do anything.

What happens if you find yourself having a “feelings affair” with someone?

Uh oh. Here is where it gets tricky because feelings can lead to so many things that I`ve personally experienced while being married. I think my saving grace in the situation, I found myself not too long ago in, was that this person was also married and that prevented a whole other mess that would have been tough to sort through. Now, I`m sure some people will be thinking that I`m a bad person for two reasons: 1. Being married and having thoughts of straying and 2. Having thoughts of straying with someone who is also involved in a marriage themselves. That’s okay. You may think that because I`m pretty sure you aren’t perfect either. I actually never had any thoughts of leaving Jeremy and I`m really quite glad that I had the experience I did because it definitely taught me a couple of valuable lessons. It taught me that it is definitely important to, not only value your marriage, but value yourself. I definitely exercised my right as free person to say “no” when I felt like things were no longer what I wanted, and that is such an empowering feeling. To know that you have set down boundaries that show yourself some respect, especially in such a crazy situation, feels amazing. Your body and mind and heart are all on different pages; Getting them all to work together can be hard work.  This person and I have parted ways and I`m almost completely over it and I feel stronger than I did before.  The end of that chapter of my life wasn’t without a certain amount of hurt feelings and nights of over thinking, but in the end I really did what was best for myself and for that I am proud.

I didn`t ever feel I was in a slump with my marriage, but I felt like I was lacking the physical aspect that we associate with being in a relationship with someone and I wanted to capture  some of that and hold on until it faded away. Well, it has faded, and I am back to the place I was before I created a momentary mess for myself, but I`m happy knowing that I really do love and respect  my husband and never want to be without him. I am committed despite my lapses in judgment. I believe that is called being human.  My situation is tougher now than it was before my extramarital involvement but I`ve got thicker skin and feel confident in handling anything with Jeremy by my side. I don`t mean that my marriage is on the rocks or anything like that because Jeremy and I are two of the closest people in the world. I mean the physical separation is worse than it was before. It never gets easier, we  just get stronger 🙂

When I prefaced that last section with “Jeremy and I talk about everything”, I really mean that. We talked about my involvement with someone else, we weighed the pros and cons together, we assessed the damage and feelings afterwards, and he genuinely gave me advice, first and foremost, as my best friend. I pretty much have the most amazing man ever.

Writing that was so liberating without feeling like I exposed myself too much. It is my truth and I embrace it.Image

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Be a truth seeker

I drafted a few other blog entries that were focused on an actual theme but I don`t feel like finishing or posting any of those today. I feel like making this all up on the spot, and talking about how I`m feeling today. I`m feeling angry, and frustrating, and upset. I`m used to be strong, and in control, and logical. I feel, decidedly, ruled by emotion today and I think it might be because I`m very tired from all the waking up in the middle of the night I`ve been doing. My thoughts go something like this: “I`m hungry. I miss Jeremy. I wonder what Jeremy is doing. I probably shouldn’t have eaten that. Thank goodness it is the weekend. I`m worried about Jeremy. What the hell is going on?!. I`m pissed off. What can I do?”. Then a neurotic episode ensues and we are back to calm again. That is what this life does to me, and although very frustrating at times, I wouldn`t have it any other way.

I was re-reading Jeremy’s most recent letters, and he was talking about the the involved parties in this conspiracy against him probably deriving joy from messing with him so much. It upsets me because we strive really hard to keep this marriage going on limited contact, and here we have some individuals at the prison who want to lie and make our lives more difficult. Blows my mind. I feel confident in exposing these people now, so I will.

Correctional officer Lisa Donna Jenkins/Lisa Armstead who works at Lovelock Correctional Center and Lieutenant Valaree Clifton Olivas who also works at Lovelock Correctional Center. These are the two main people who have falsified reports to get my husband in trouble and have him sent far away from me, simply because they do not care for him. These two individuals(with the help of other individuals at Lovelock Correctional Center)have conspired against my husband and I fully intend on deriving great pleasure out of them being held legally accountable in the future. Besides the legal ramifications of being completely unethical, I am a very firm believer in karma and all of its goodness. What goes around, comes around.

This post is scattered and mostly because my mind is scattered.

People are usually with content with sweeping issues under the rug, not wanting to know what the actual truth is and I don`t believe in that. Jeremy has taught me to be a truth seeker, to commit, to see things through, and ultimately to not accept any one situation as the end of the world. There are options, there is a way to fight for justice, and there is definitely a way to get to the bottom of the madness.

Don`t be satisfied with lies in any area of your life.

Stay tuned for something more put together. Image


The Prisoner’s guide to getting a wife

Yesterday’s blog entry was heavy and informative. It was necessary as far as bringing attention to the current issues my husband and I are facing, but definitely not my favorite type of entry to write. I`m going to try to make this blog a fair mix of serious issues and my life(Which includes serious issues. Not really sure where I`m going with this…). Creating balance is what I`m all about. Stay with me here. I want to write something lighter today because 1. It is Friday and I want to relax. Work is done for the week and that is awesome.2. I want to distract myself from the chaos. And 3. I have wine in the fridge and have finally received the letters from my husband, that the prison was holding for over a week, so I`m happy. I`m also eating honey-balsamic glazed roasted carrots. Life is okay, though I am still missing my husband an insane amount.

Here we go.

So this is a basic guide you should use, should you ever find yourself in prison, and needing/wanting a wife 🙂 These are things my husband has done throughout our relationship to get me interested in him, to get me to come back to him, to get me to stay, and ultimately to get me to marry him in a little room inside the prison visiting area.

1. Make sure you write lots of letters.

* I`m not talking about one letter a week with boring contents such as “Hi. How are you? Please write back”. Write a real letter! Write real letters. Preferably 5-6 times a week, that are sometimes in excess of 20 pages. None of that big print nonsense. Don`t cheat. One of the letters I got from my husband today was 30 pages. 30 pages of finely crafted words that made me laugh and cry and sometimes both at the same time.

2. Call her back if she hangs up on you, and she will.

* Way back when I was younger and much more dramatic than I am now, I would pick fights with my husband(which means I mostly just fought with myself while he stood back and refereed between my multiple personalities) and I would hang up on him. He always called back. ALWAYS. If I didn`t pick up, he would call again, and again, and again, because he knew eventually I would give in. In retrospect, I can imagine how frustrated he must have been by my actions but he never let on. He greeted each phone call with a smile that I could feel across the space between us.

3. Use all your resources to help her out with life.

* What if I don`t have any resources? I`m in prison. What do you expect? My advice to you is: Get some resources. Early on in my relationship with my husband  my cat, India,  got sick and needed surgery. I didn`t have a lot of money at the time(Don`t get me wrong; I still don`t have a lot of money) so it was either gather the $$$$ for surgery to fix her or put her down(way cheaper; Only one $). My husband allowed me to pull money out of an account he has, with no questions asked, to save my kitty(who is still with me today). Any man that is willing to help you save your cat, who swallowed a shoelace and a dime that resulted in intestinal blockage, is a man worth keeping. Besides the generous financial contribution, he was there for me emotionally and he truly understood how near to my heart my cat was and how devastated I would have been if I had to let her go. Which brings me to number 4.

4. Be understanding

* Being a prisoner’s wife, or even a prisoner’s girlfriend, is tough. It takes focus, emotional strength, the ability to deal with a precarious situation, and dedication. Hardcore dedication. My husband has never made me feel like I was overreacting, stupid, too emotional, or otherwise wrong for my feelings. We realize that this is the life we have chosen together and we deal with it by supporting each other.  This man knows what I`m thinking, can tell what is going on by the tone of my voice, is helpful, and truly protects my emotions and heart with everything that he is.

5. Scheme with their mother or another family member to get her back if she leaves.

* I admit it, I`ve “left” my husband a number of times in our relationship(before we got married) because I wasn’t sure this was the type of life I wanted for myself. What does “leaving” mean in a prison relationship? How do you “leave”?  Leaving, to me, meant that I stopped writing, stopped taking his calls, stopped opening his mail(I told him I stopped opening his mail. I always opened it), stopped visiting, and generally tried to distance myself from him. When my husband was tired of me “leaving”, he started writing to my mom secretly(very sneaky), getting her to feed me information about what was going on with him, and to keep an eye on me without my knowledge. He knew I loved him and wanted to be with him. I knew this too, but I needed a little push. So one day my mom told me that my now husband had planned on marrying someone else, and I immediately wrote him, told him it was a bad idea, and here we are today. He really did a good job of getting me back in the end.

6. Make her feel special.

* Show interest in things she likes, have pictures drawn for her, send her gifts from the inside, plot surprises for her with your family. Now, I`m not really a material person but the little things my husband has sent me from prison over the years have meant the world to me. The drawings he has had commissioned for me, the toilet paper roses(*snort*), the handmade necklaces, and all the other little prison crafts have made me a happy girl. I am also the proud owner of several pairs of his boxers that he knew I would like for pajamas. In addition to striving to surprise me himself, he works with his family to ensure that they make me feel special in his absence, and I feel truly blessed to have a man who works his ass off to show me how much he cares about me, thinks about me, and loves me.

6. Don`t give up.

* Be persistent. Unless she really doesn`t like you  and researches how to get a restraining order on a prisoner(this I have not done). It takes a lot more work and time to make a prisoner/outsider relationship work than a “normal” outside relationship. If you want a wife, you have to give it all you’ve got. My husband has really given me his all and continues to do so each and every day. We are not together on a daily basis right now, but I have felt more drive for this relationship from my husband than I ever did with any other person on the outside. He doesn’t treat me like he has me and simply has to maintain a standard to keep me, he treats me like he is still trying to win my heart long after I have given it to him.

Okay, so mostly that entire entry was to gush about how ridiculously amazing my husband is. I hope I have inspired a search for true love in your life, or have made you entirely sick 🙂 In closing, while I enjoy referring to my man as “my husband”, I really like to call him Jeremy.

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Taking on an entire system

I started this entry in my head on my drive back to work after lunch today. I pulled into the parking lot and wondered how in the hell I got back to my job. I spend way too much time daydreaming while behind the wheel. I’ve never been in an accident, though, so rest assured fellow drivers.

I was thinking about how I should go about putting together my second entry. It is customary to start from the beginning and work your way to the present day so there is a solid timeline of events but nothing in my life is customary so I abandoned that idea pretty quickly. I started to really focus on what prompted me to give this blog a real jump start and that is the current situation my husband and I find ourselves in. I call this our “situation within a situation” and it is decidedly not fun, but a definite challenge for both of us. I believe that challenges that make us stronger people, so I can only hope that we’ll both be able to bench press a Buick by the end of all of this.

If you didn`t already know, my husband is in prison. I`m not sure if the title of my blog or my first post alluded to that fact or not. Hah. The hubs spends his days in the “care” of the Nevada Department of Corrections. “He works for the state”, I`ve told people in the past. I don`t  have any experience with prisons in other states but I have read, and have spoken with many people who have stated that being incarcerated in Nevada is one of the worst states you can be locked up in. Thought all prisons were the same? Hardly. The level of corruption and the lengths that both the “correctional” officers and officials will go to for the sake of being purely malicious is mind blowing. Thought conspiracies were only in the movies? Think again.

In December of last year, about a week before Christmas(nice timing, right?), I got a call from my husband, first and foremost letting me know he was okay, then to give me the run down on what was happening. We were used to talking daily and I hadn’t heard from him in a few days at this point, but I thought “Eh, it’s a lock down.”.  Turns out it wasn’t the standard lock down I had grown accustomed to, but that another inmate had attacked my husband in the chow hall, my husband had attempted to defend himself, and when all was said and done the inmate who attacked my husband claimed he was attacked with a pencil by my husband. Whoa! This could all be cleared up right? It is one inmate’s word against anothers. Not so simple, especially when some of the correctional officers(C/Os for short) feel it is their personal mission in life to hate on inmates and to pass judgment when they don’t know the difference between their asshole and a hole in the ground. Forget about knowing the whole story, as a correctional officer you should remain impartial. I guess they didn`t cover that in “Becoming a Correctional Officer 101”. One C/O in particular, who shall remain nameless for now (keywords: for now), lied on her report and backed the attacker’s story and a pencil was planted at the scene that had my husband’s initials carved in. First of all, what inmate attacks another inmate with a pencil with their initials carved in it? Second, my husband has had one write up in his entire 15+ years in prison, and that was not for attacking anyone or starting a fight. Coincidentally, the inmate who attacked my husband is a repeat offender, a gang banger, and is in this time for assault with a deadly weapon. Hmmm. Well played, prison, well played.

Let’s jump ahead to a few days after the incident. My husband’s hearing was expedited by a Lieutenant (who shall also remain nameless for now), who is a known hater of my husband and has messed with him before. The hearing took place, they did not let my husband present his case, and found him guilty on assault and battery charges and sentenced him to two years in disciplinary segregation. This was clearly a set up to get my husband in trouble because he is not liked by certain employees of the NDOC. We appealed(I use “we” because I feel that it is him and I in everything having to do with our lives) and he did have a hearing where he was actually able to present his case, and got the reporting C/O to contradict herself on tape, but they charged and sentenced him the same. Impartiality has been thrown out in favor of lies.

This wouldn’t be a huge deal, and we could deal with this, except this affects my communication with my husband. We have gone from daily phone calls, to one call a week that is an entire 30 minutes. Once a week visits in the visiting room, where we are able to build on holding hands and eating chips together, has now been replaced with once a month visits behind, glass that I have to schedule for “permission” each time. Letters are delayed  and go “missing” a lot. I’m certain the C/Os, officials, and investigators are delaying, or simply throwing away mail both ways to make our lives more difficult.

To top it all off, they have recently moved him from the medium security prison, an hour away from me, to the maximum security prison that is nearly 6 hours driving time from me. We are still pursuing the  appeal process to try to get this mess figured out, but in the meantime, these C/Os, this lieutenant, the “investigator”, and who ever else is involved are getting away with falsifying reports, blatant lying, and general criminal conspiracy. I don’t care how much backing from your co-workers you have, this is pure illegal behavior and deserves a bit of spotlight. At this prison they all seem to cover for each other, and the C/Os  that are actually decent people, do not want to speak up out of fear, even though they know what happens behind those walls.

Luckily, my husband and his very supportive family(including myself) do not go down without a fight and we are really trying to bring attention to these issues, that the personnel at the prison, think will simply be swept under the rug. Departmental responsibility needs to be taken and those involved need to be held accountable. It is not legal to throw away mail, falsify reports and legal documents, or simply jeopardize someone’s life because you don’t like them. As correctional officers, they are held to a public standard and I’m ready to hold them to it. I support my husband 100% in pursuing every legal avenue to ensure that this nonsense is exposed, the guilty parties lose their jobs, and that this lessens the occurrence of them doing this to another inmate, who may not have such a strong support system.

That may have all been very boring, or all very thrilling, but it is ultimately, all very true. I used to think that anyone with a badge, or any type of authority was decent, helpful, and professional. Thank you to the Nevada Department of Corrections for proving me wrong. I would especially like to thank the staff at Lovelock Correctional Center in Lovelock, Nevada  for being so unprofessional, unethical, and just plain wrong. I am ready to see this through with my husband. Even a person whose name is followed by a series of numbers has rights.

(Below is an aerial view of where my husband current is. TOO far from me right now.)

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They say the eye of the storm is calm

I`m starting this blog in the middle of a mess and I think it might help me to cope. I`m a prison wife. I never thought I would label myself that way. Unique, independent, silly? Perhaps. But a prison wife? Who comes right out and says that? I do. I`ve spent much too long lying about where my husband is and feeling somewhat awkward in trying to explain my relationship to outsiders. I`ve been with my husband long enough to stop caring what other people think and actually have come to feel proud and inspired by my own life. This isn`t a new road for me. I`ve been with my husband for ten years and we have been married for nearly four. Once upon a time I was a very strange and curious teenage girl who wanted to write people in prison. Little did I know that I would fall head over heels in love with one in particular and be where I`m at today. The label “prison wife” may warrant some negative attention because a lot of people are ignorant to the fact that not all of us women who stand by our incarcerated men are desperate, or delusional. We love. Plain and simple. I`m a normal woman. I like wine, I have a cat, I drive a Toyota, I work and am a functioning part of society. Well, mostly 🙂 My newly found freedom of actually telling people my husband in prison has gotten me some interesting responses. “Oh, I`m so sorry”, “And you still love him?”, “Are you stupid?”. More questions than comments, I suppose. I used to get bent out of shape about people’s words and seemingly insensitive questions, but I know they don`t live in my world, couldn`t handle what I consider “everyday”, and mostly don`t want to understand anything other than what is conventional.

What is this blog about? What do I hope to get out of this?

I hope to become even more comfortable with talking about my life and my marriage publicly. My husband’s case was very public and I have struggled with putting myself out there and talking about it but I realize that talking about it raises awareness and gives people insight into a world they know nothing about. I also hope to make the public aware of the flaws in our justice system, the corruption that exists within prisons and express the changes I wish to see.

Why? Why do we need changes? These criminals are scum and why do we owe them any sort of mercy?

Those are common questions I get from people I talk to about the justice system. They think all prisoners are the same, they believe in every stereotype that is fed to them by the media and they think that is all there is. So many prisoners were just in the wrong place at the wrong time, some made earnest mistakes, and some aren’t guilty at all. That is how faulty our justice system is. We have put people to death who are innocent. I always strive to ask people what they would do if they were in my shoes, my husband’s shoes, or any prisoner’s shoes. Would you feel the same if you were faced with the same fate?

So that is what this blog is/will be about. A lot about my life, my struggles and joy as a prison wife, exposing corruption in the Nevada justice system in hopes of raising some attention and awareness, and mostly just venting. I am content with venting to my trusted friends, but I believe the world would benefit in knowing a little bit about a lifestyle they can only assume things about.