I`ve typed about half a dozen drafts of this entry already, trying to find the right words for what I want to express. My skills are failing me today but here we go.
It’s Mother’s Day and I just dropped my mom off at the airport a little while ago. Although my mom drives me batty sometimes, I still love her very much and miss her. She is the only blood relative that I talk to on a daily basis and being away from that bond is difficult at times. I don`t ever want my mom to see me sad so I don`t get sad in front of her. Annoyed? Frustrated? Listless? Sure. I think my mom is aware of the toll that the stress of my life is taking on me right now. I muddled through my weekend with my mom and now I`m upset that it is over. Isn`t that the way it usually goes? For me, anyway.
During this tornado of stress, sadness, anger, and low energy excitement, I really gave thought to why I`m here, how this situation has molded me, and I wanted to seriously define what being saved means to me.
Lots of people are saved by their religion, some by their calling turned career in life, and some by their kids. My inner feminist is going to cringe when I type this, but I have really been saved by Jeremy. Thinking of my husband, and the life skills he has given me to better myself, and succeed is a reminder of why I am here. Before I met Jeremy I had no idea who I was, what forgiveness was, how to be humble, how to endure, and mostly I didn`t know how to be myself. . Then one day, there was Jeremy, and I would not be this version of myself without him.
My purpose is here, giving back the support to him that he has given me over the years, through all of my struggles. Right now we cannot communicate daily, but I truly feel that the most intense and solid bonds can withstand distance and time. What is important to me in my life doesn’t have to be seen daily with my eyes, or heard daily with my ears, but it does have to be felt daily in my heart. My love for this man, for this human is far greater than the challenges we face at present.
I believe in challenges and hard work. Life isn`t all sunshine and rainbows, especially not in my situation. I have felt more physically lonely the last few years of my life, and more stressed out the last 5 months than I`ve ever been. Being directly connected with an inmate has tested my stability as a person and has seriously given me my first few grey hairs in life, but here I am.
You don`t turn your back on something great just because you are temporarily weathering a storm. That statement is not to be confused with trying to make a weak connection work. It means that if you have something truly amazing, special, and life changing you hang on to it no matter what. Right now, I feel like a hippie and the city is trying to cut down my tree. I`ve chained myself to a branch and I`m not moving.
I am in awe of how prayer can change people, how having a child can better a person, and how finding a passion in life can make someone reach for their dreams. Getting saved is an amazing experience and it doesn`t always have to be religious, but it is certainly a spiritual experience. I always ask myself “WWJD?” and no offense to any religion, but I`m asking “what would Jeremy do?” because that connection is the one that has truly molded me.