Monthly Archives: May 2013

Saturday

I`m relieved. The two letters from Jeremy that followed his mini loss of footing earlier in the week were wonderful, powerful, hopeful, and exactly what I needed. This is why I love this man. He only falters for a moment, and then comes back stronger and better than ever.  I have to expect and allow those moments and to be perfectly honest, I am glad for them. I am glad to see my beautiful human of a husband in state of vulnerability. It reminds me that I`m needed, and maybe I am his glue after all. Everyone wants to feel needed, and he truly is the only person who makes me feel that way. Like he doesn’t exist without me.

I`ll be seeing him in less than 48 hours and I`m internally overwhelmed by my excitement and desire, but trying to keep it all together. I am a nervous person by nature, so being with Jeremy has frayed my nerves over the years, but has also allowed me to rebuild quicker, and quicker each time. The push and pull of love and sadness breeds sleepless nights and an overwhelming amount of thoughts in my head. Traffic. Lots of traffic. The journey to get to my love is taxing, the process to get in to see my husband is frazzling, but when I see him, it’s like the rest of the world falls away and it is just us.

My mission is to get to him. To get to that visiting room. I feel physically ill from my silly anxiety right now, but I know I can make it even if I have to put my “everything is fine” mask on to get there. I`ve become quite skilled at that act. Call it thick skin, call it strong, I call it doing what I need to do to survive from one interaction with the most important person in my life to another.

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Not me. Not you. Us.

It is 3 days until I can see Jeremy again and I`m anxious, heartsick, and so ready to be able to talk to my husband again for a few minutes in real time. I feel so tense right now between work, my emotions, my upcoming visit, and just life in general. It got me really thinking how much I am focused on myself and my emotions a lot. I don`t disregard my husband’s emotions, but I never think I have to cradle his state of mind in my hands. At least I thought I didn`t until yesterday when I realized just how selfish I have become during this separation.

Yesterday, I took my normal drive over to the post office to check my PO box after work. As usual, there was a letter from Jeremy and I immediately took a deep breath, inhaling the smell of him on the envelope over the miles, and held it close to my heart just for a moment. When I got back to my car, I couldn`t wait to rip it open, so I stayed parked and decided to read the letter right then and there. I didn’t want to go home yet and something told me I needed to open it. Just open it. NOW! So I did. It started pretty normal with the “Hi. I miss you. I love you. I need you. I`m HERE”. The letter took a pretty quick turn into emotional instability which surprised me. I found myself facing some tough questions that I can barely bring myself to ask, well, myself. Words strung together that looked something like this: “If I can`t keep my promise to get home to you, where does that leave us?” and “Do you ever feel like you have bitten off more than you can chew or that you’re in too deep?”.  The worst was “Do you wish you had never met me?”.  My heart ached something fierce, not only for myself, but for my husband.

I realize that I have been so focused on MY feelings in this entire mess, that I haven’t been taking the time to look after my husband’s emotions, his fears. I haven’t quieted his insecurities, and I haven’t been as uplifting as I could be. I get so caught up in ME, ME, ME and MY, MY, MY emotions that I forget that there is a WE, there is an US,  that needs some tending to, and most importantly there is a him.

I started to cry behind my glasses, sitting in my car in that parking lot, and I could feel my stomach start to knot up and I felt like my emotional letter rollercoaster had taken me from happy, to devastated, to relieved all within 7 pages. Towards the end of this letter he assured me that he was okay, that he just had a mini pity party, and that he has this under control. I feel like my entire equilibrium is off center now, thinking of the doubts in my husband’s mind, realizing how gut wrenchingly tough this entire separation has been on him as well. I felt, and feel guilty for being so self centered and focused on myself. I`m so used to Jeremy being there for me, that when the tables turned quickly, I never caught up. I pride myself on being an adaptable person, but I don`t feel very adaptable right now . I feel like I`ve kicked my husband while he has been down, and I want to fix that.

I wrote him back as soon as I got home, trying to be as positive as possible, while not betraying my own feelings over everything. The least I can do for someone who has given me everything I need, emotionally and mentally, is to be supportive, to be stable, and to not get sidetracked by my own selfish nature.

 

 

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Taking the path of most resistance

I got a letter from my love and he advised me that his second level appeal has been denied even though there are questionable reporting practices by the officer who claims he attacked another inmate. He expected this would happen and I didn`t. I fully believed that this could be resolved on a nice and quiet level within the prison system but I was wrong. So here we go. I`m getting myself quite pumped up over supporting my husband in the pursuit of justice.

“I can make anybody go to prison
Just because I don’t like them
I can do anything with no permission
I have it all under my command”

Some of  these people who are given just a scrap of power, abuse it to the point where the entire structure of a system is unstable. The ideal running of the justice system would be an actual system, that functions on impartiality and consistency, but that doesn’t seem to be working right now. Actually, when does it work? So we find ourselves on the precipice of having to fight for my husband’s rights as a prisoner, an existence that is already devoid of normalcy, just because some asshole wants to make things just a little bit harder. Why? Maybe this asshole is hard up for being malicious. Maybe this asshole doesn’t like something about my husband. By the way, females can be assholes, and this particular asshole is a female.

Rant, rant, rant!

This obviously affects me and my marriage so of course I am enraged and want to see this all the way through. What does “seeing this through” mean? That means that I feel like my husband has submitted the proper supporting evidence and arguments that prove this person is lying and we have given the Nevada Department of Corrections a chance to truly make it right within the department and they refuse to, so it is time to go beyond this group of officials and petition for outside assistance. I don`t care if my husband is in prison. He still has rights, and one of those rights is to not be falsely sentenced to 2 years in a solitary cell because someone doesn’t like him and feels like he should be punished just a little bit more.

There are people who don`t want Jeremy to pursue outside assistance to expose what is happening within the Nevada Department of Corrections.  They would rather play it safe to save any drama that might potentially come from actually standing up for what is right. Excuse me? I don`t think so. I would never have married Jeremy if I thought he was someone that would lay down and take it. One person. One lie. That is all it takes to turn someone’s world upside down when you are at the mercy of these “correctional” officers. My thoughts: Fuck that! I`m pretty sure the “correctional” officer who is responsible for this entire mess thought Jeremy would simply accept this as unfair and move on. Oh, how wrong she was and how wrong the entire Department of Corrections is. My love is determined, smart, and perseveres.

Is this stressful? Hell yes it is but it is also something that needs to be done. To the people who don`t care about all these incidents behind the walls, I ask, “What if it were you?”. I would hope that anyone would place their rights and freedom as a human above simply wanting to take the easy way out. I`m not asking anyone to advocate for prisoner’s rights but I am asking that people keep an open mind and realize that not everything is as it seems from an outside perspective. These officials take an oath and are supposed to be held to a standard. We pay these people to do a job and I`m pretty sure their job description doesn`t include corruption. 

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Waking up

Whoa. I fully believe that an emotional bender is exactly what I needed because I feel so much better this morning. There are times that I think people expect me to be this pillar of strength all the time and that simply cannot be. For the most part I maintain like a champ but then there are days like yesterday and weeks like the one that just passed where I need a break to crumble and rebuild. It is a chance to start over, do better, be more and that is exactly what I`m going to do this week. I have just over a week until my visit with Jeremy and I intend on being a very present and connected wife because that is what I need and that is what he needs.

Something good did come from my meltdown yesterday and that is that I finally dreamed of my husband. I can never get my dreams to do what I want but that heightened emotional state of ruin I was in led me into an actual dream of him and I am glad. He was still in prison and it was actually a visiting day and I showed up in shorts(not allowed), and had my purse in the visiting room(also not allowed). It was a relief to just see his face behind that stupid scratched sheet of glass. Before I knew it, I was waking up, and it all faded away but it is important to me to know those dreams exist, that thoughts of him can elicit some resemblance of happiness and peace in the middle of so much unhappiness. I don`t really say that I`m happy these days because I`m not. Happiness is a weird, far away land for me. Some people may think that is sad and, although I want personal happiness, there are things to me personally that are more important right now.

So the countdown is on. 8 days until I make my trip out to Ely, Nevada to hang out with my husband and it will be a good day.

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Destination unknown

Today is definitely one of those days where I found myself driving and wanting to let go of the wheel just to see what would happen. I don’t want to hurt myself, but I want to experience just a moment of free fall,  a moment devoid of all the stress. I wanted to let go of everything and not worry just for a second. My life is a series of obligations and “have tos” right now. Get up alone, go to a frustrating job, and come home to be alone again. When I do get to be with Jeremy it is in a controlled environment where our time together is limited, our contact is monitored, and we have absolutely no say in how we spend our visits as husband and wife.

Right now I am highly frustrated by my lack of contact with my husband and I, admittedly, am feeling quite fragile which is really unlike me. I think I`ve hit a pretty rough patch in terms of dealing with the current circumstances. The days are long, and the nights are longer. I know I can get back on track if I could just get my dejected ass back up. I`ve pretty much shunned healthy food and exercise which I know isn`t helping my cause. Work is the most stressful it has ever been, and I`m exacerbating everything by being impulsive and unstable.  I`ll be going back to visit Jeremy in a little over a week and I cannot tell if I`m excited or not. I know that deep down I am and my heart needs face-glass-face contact with him but I`m feeling sort of crazed and dramatic right now. I need my lover.

I had a real roller coaster of a week at work as well as with my personal life and I really just needed, every single day, to talk to my husband. Mostly I just want to communicate with my best friend that has been taken away from me. What do you do when the most important person in your life is out of reach? I`ve been thinking too much, making questionable life decisions, and feeling sorry for myself. It’s funny how one person can really be the glue that holds another together.  Part of me knew this was coming, that everything up until this point truly was the calm before the storm and here I am. I am in it. What is ‘it’? Well, you won’t really know until you get there.

“Missing you is like breathing shards of glass

They get caught in my ribs

I`m unable to breathe

I stumble, I gasp, I cry, and I heave

My vision is blurred

There’s death on my tongue

My collar bones pertrude

My neck, it is hung

I fight and I struggle

For what seems like forever

I awake to thoughts of you

Now isn`t love so clever?”

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Operation: Get Saved

I`ve typed about half a dozen drafts of this entry already, trying to find the right words for what I want to express. My skills are failing me today but here we go.

It’s Mother’s Day and I just dropped my mom off at the airport a little while ago. Although my mom drives me batty sometimes, I still love her very much and miss her. She is the only blood relative that I talk to on a daily basis and being away from that bond is difficult at times. I don`t ever want my mom to see me sad so I don`t get sad in front of her. Annoyed? Frustrated? Listless? Sure. I think my mom is aware of the toll that the stress of my life is taking on me right now. I muddled through my weekend with my mom and now I`m upset that it is over. Isn`t that the way it usually goes? For me, anyway.

During this tornado of stress, sadness, anger, and low energy excitement, I really gave thought to why I`m here, how this situation has molded me, and I wanted to seriously define what being saved means to me.

Lots of people are saved by their religion, some by their calling turned career in life, and some by their kids. My inner feminist is going to cringe when I type this, but I have really been saved by Jeremy. Thinking of my husband, and the life skills he has given me to better myself, and succeed is a reminder of why I am here. Before I met Jeremy I had no idea who I was, what forgiveness was, how to be humble, how to endure, and mostly I didn`t know how to be myself. . Then one day, there was Jeremy, and I would not be this version of myself without him.

My purpose is here, giving back the support to him that he has given me over the years, through all of my struggles. Right now we cannot communicate daily, but I truly feel that the most intense and solid bonds can withstand distance and time. What is important to me in my life doesn’t have to be seen daily with my eyes, or heard daily with my ears, but it does have to be felt daily in my heart. My love for this man, for this human is far greater than the challenges we face at present.

I believe in challenges and hard work. Life isn`t all sunshine and rainbows, especially not in my situation. I have felt more physically lonely the last few years of my life, and more stressed out the last 5 months than I`ve ever been. Being directly connected with an inmate has tested my stability as a person and has seriously given me my first few grey hairs in life, but here I am.

You don`t turn your back on something great just because you are temporarily weathering a storm. That statement is not to be confused with trying to make a weak connection work. It means that if you have something truly amazing, special, and life changing you hang on to it no matter what. Right now, I feel like a hippie and the city is trying to cut down my tree. I`ve chained myself to a branch and I`m not moving.

I am in awe of how prayer can change people, how having a child can better a person, and how finding a passion in life can make someone reach for their dreams. Getting saved is an amazing experience and it doesn`t always have to be religious, but it is certainly a spiritual experience. I always ask myself “WWJD?” and no offense to any religion, but I`m asking “what would Jeremy do?” because that connection is the one that has truly molded me.

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Today

I haven’t written any entries the last few days because, to be honest, I haven’t wanted to. There are definitely times where the stress and struggles of my life paralyze me and I need a few days to just be busy, be overwhelmed, and get through it. My mom is coming to visit me today and will stay through the weekend. I`m happy about that, but all I can think about is seeing Jeremy right now.

 

My next visit is still more than 2 weeks away and it seems like forever. It’s a strange thing to be comforted by a prison visiting room, but that day cannot come quickly enough so that I can have a piece of myself back. Having my daily communications with my husband cut off, cold turkey has been difficult for me. There are days where I want some relief from the battle that is currently taking place in my head. I`m anxious to get pat searched, escorted to an ugly room, with fluorescent lights, that make me feel disgusting and to connect with my husband behind a sheet of glass.

 

It isn`t ideal, and I miss our visits where we could hold hands, have our limited two kisses, and be able to lean in close and whisper, but this is it right now.  I sometimes laugh that I`m making my entire marriage work through letters, one phone call a month, and one visit behind glass every 4-5 weeks. I`m letting it build and build and I know that at some point, probably soon, there will be a mini breakdown and I`ll lean on a bottle of wine, exercise and my friends to see me through. It seems to happen in cycles, and I`m entering the last phase of yet another emotionally challenging cycle.

 

The other morning before work, I was in my closet, and found myself sitting on the floor crying into one of my husband’s pairs of boxers(CLEAN!)that he sent me a while back. Missing someone makes you think crazy thoughts, makes your emotions run wild, and most of all it makes you realize just how much that person means to you. I want to say that I`ll never take our time together for granted ever again, but I know I will, but right now I just want my visits back. I want my husband back. I want to bring to light the issues that exist within prison walls that have caused this physical separation and I want to support my husband in his pursuit to expose the truths that no one sees.

 

More structured, themed posts to come. Today I just felt like talking about how I`m feeling. Thank you to everyone who reads.

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