Today was a long day but I knew I needed to finish with a blog entry to set my mind at ease. Work was painfully, yet blissfully busy, and now I have music and wine to soothe my soul and head. I even managed to treat myself to a much needed pedicure today. It was a good day. It was a lonely day. It was a day that turned into watching The Voice with booze on my couch. So here we are.
I talk a lot in my blog, and in my life in general, about how wonderful my marriage is, and how much I love Jeremy. Don`t get me wrong. My marriage is unbelievable, and I love my husband with a conviction stronger than I`ve ever known in my entire life but there are days I question my sacrifices. Choices really are about what is important to you, what matters most in life to you, and ultimately what you are going to respect yourself for in the long run. I have so many people tell me that I`m lucky to have a man that loves me so much, and people that praise me for my strength, but at the end of the day when I`m done fighting my daily battles, and I can be alone, I realize just what a difficult situation I`m in. Without Jeremy, I feel like I`m physically walking this earth without a piece of myself, and there are days, like today, where that becomes painfully apparent. I will say, that I am grateful for these reminders, though, because they remind me that 1. I`m alive and 2. I am truly on a path that takes some focus to walk. I am proud of myself for that. Why? Why do I do it? I do it because Jeremy is truly my heart beat. I can feel him in my lungs each time I breathe, and I don`t feel like I exist without him. The term “other half” has never been so real.
Today I got an e-mail from one of my favorite people in the entire world. I won’t say her name, but I know she is reading this. This woman is amazing, and has been so sweet and comforting to me, but for a moment I felt viciously envious of her. I almost felt like I wanted judge her, put her down, and I realized that it wasn’t ME, but it was my desire to have everything that a normal marriage and romantic coexistence has. It really struck a chord deep inside of me that I didn`t even know was there until this afternoon. I felt angry, and I felt as if I would break apart at the seams while reading her message. Her very loving, positive, and happy message. To my friend: I am so sorry I felt this way.
My dear friend has decided that she is going to try to have another baby with her husband. I felt a storm brew inside me for a number of reasons. I am, admittedly, jealous that anyone can, on a whim, decide to have a baby or start a family because I cannot. I don`t think I was destined to ever have children that actually came from me. Jeremy is in prison, we have no conjugal visits, and at it stands he has a life sentence with no possibility of parole. Do I believe in this sentence? Absolutely not, but I`m also not exactly sure when he will be home. Another important factor is that I have PCOS, which I know isn`t a death sentence as far as having children, but I wouldn`t want to put my body through any stress when I feel like I wasn’t made to have kids because of my condition. It isn`t impossible but try telling your heart that when the world seems to be working against you.
I was angry, hurt, and I heard myself say “She doesn`t deserve to have another baby!”. I realize now I was being selfish, and not a very good friend. This is one of the realities that come along with committing to a life with someone who cannot possibly give you everything you want right now, on a whim, or on any set time schedule. I wish I could tell my illogical self, in those fits of insanity, that this is the life I chose, and that I have to be satisfied with my choices. Hey self: I am satisfied with my choices. I am in love with a wonderful man who isn`t here right now. They say that you always want what you can’t have and today has spoken that sentiment loud and clear to me.