Days like today make me miss home. Then I start to wonder what the word home really means to me. Jeremy is my home in the embodiment of a person but where is my geographical home? There are days I miss a place I haven’t even been to but that I know is out there. I think I know where that place is but I won’t say it now.
Before I made my journey to be closer to Jeremy in 2009, I lived in San Diego, California which is both a frustrating place and a beautiful place. It is crowded, expensive, and many things I am not. It is also wonderful, feels comfortable, and is where I grew up. I was born in Los Angeles, moved around a lot during my childhood, and had been in San Diego for 15 years before I left everything that was familiar, with no safety net, to be with Jeremy. This was before I even agreed to be his wife. I just knew I needed to come to Nevada. I don`t love it. I have gotten used to it, I can sometimes call it home, but it isn`t where my desire to be is.
Today, I am missing my San Diego home. Mostly I miss my mom, rolled tacos, the beach on a cool day, Mt. Soledad and looking out at all the twinkling lights. I miss my friends back in San Diego, Balboa Park, all the fun little places that no one knows about, and today I`m thinking about the sights, sounds, and smells that only Southern California has to offer. It is a strange feeling to be alone in a place where there is no one comforting for miles and miles. I can pick up the phone and call my mom to chat for a little while but it isn`t the same as going out for ice cream. My heart feels a crack so deep that it feels like it is breaking. That sounds incredibly emo and overly dramatic but it’s true.
Jeremy is my foundation and I moved here to be closer to that foundation. That foundation has been moved across the state from me now and I couldn`t feel more alone. I keep looking at my phone, waiting for it to ring and for it to be him so I can get back a piece of the home that I moved here for, but I know that call may or may not come tonight, or tomorrow, or next week. The situation is precarious and uncomfortable.
Tonight I`m wondering if the people responsible for lying and getting my home moved so far away from me are relaxing tonight and if they’re happy. I wonder if they’ve ever dropped all their defenses and let go of all security for something that they loved. Then I wonder what they would do if someone, like themselves, ripped that security away from them. My inclination is to believe that people who would lie, and otherwise take pleasure in attempting to break up a strong bond, have no sense of home and never will. Home isn`t just a place. It is a heartbeat, and it exists wherever you make it.
Home is where the heart is and that is hundreds of miles away right now.