“You have a call at no expense to you from The Nevada Department of Corrections Ely State Prison”
My instinct hits 5 before my brain even knows what is happening.
I was relieved to hear from my husband last night but not happy. I know that sounds terrible, and it isn`t him, it’s just that I know I have 15 minutes to pack in a million things I want to say to him and there is only time for a few choice topics. I feel more myself after hearing from him, though, and I`m glad he is okay.
“You have one minute remaining”. I hate those words more than anything right now. Those 15 minutes flew by in an instant and I know that last minute is the time we say our “goodbyes”. We say I love you over and over again. There are last second reassurances that everything will be okay. We don`t say goodbye, we say “laters, baby”, because it is never goodbye. One of us is always caught halfway through an “I love you” when the phone cuts off. I stay on the line, in the silence, waiting for it to disconnect. I`m not really sure why, but mostly I think it’s because I want to hang on tight to his voice, and his words. I stare at my phone, hoping he will call back but I know that’s it for now. Controlled doses of what is the important person in my life. To be blunt: It fucking sucks. It is terrible, frustrating, and I want to scream and make people suffer because of their ability to affect my life on a whim.
After that call, I laid in bed for a little while feeling sorry for myself because I rarely afford myself that guilty pleasure, and then something happened. I was reading a message from my friend, Toni, and her words helped me get up. I don`t need praise for being Jeremy’s wife, and I don`t need people to feel sorry for me, but it is nice to have someone tell you “hey you’re doing a good job and you’re awesome” sometimes. My entire life is spent putting myself on the back burner because of this situation and it is just uplifting now and then, between the stress and overwhelming emotions, to get a verbal pat on the back. I`m grateful for my friend because her words mean more to me than she will ever know.
Those few lines she wrote prompted me to get up and I decided it was time to get a workout in. I don`t think this was the best idea, especially because I had been drinking all afternoon and was still recovering, but I committed to a great, tiring, emotionally and physically draining workout. I`m really glad I did. I wanted to quit several times during my workout but I kept on with Toni’s words in my head, with the sound of my husband’s voice urging me on, and mostly I kept at it because I am not a quitter no matter the amount of discomfort I`m in.
Which brings me to my title and how I was feeling last night. I was feeling really upset about certain aspects of my life. I was definitely having selfish thoughts and I heard myself asking “What about me? What about my feelings?”. I realized I had reached a point where I was breakable and that isn`t me. My natural state is to give my all to make sure other people are put first, and that I take a backseat to make sure everyone else gets a chance to be happy. I know it seems unhealthy, but it is how I`ve always been. I`ve been spoiled by Jeremy in that he is the only person who puts my interests and emotions above his own, so him being taken away from me has created a shift in my life that I wasn’t ready for. After our 15 minute phone call, and messages from my friend, I felt a lot better. I feel less of those selfish feelings creeping in today, and more of an ability to carry on. I`m learning that it is okay to ask “what about me?” sometimes and to reach out for help. Until my next breakdown, I`ve got my wants and needs on the back burner again. I`m okay with that. I was built for this life and this marriage from the start and I can endure.