I haven’t written any entries the last few days because, to be honest, I haven’t wanted to. There are definitely times where the stress and struggles of my life paralyze me and I need a few days to just be busy, be overwhelmed, and get through it. My mom is coming to visit me today and will stay through the weekend. I`m happy about that, but all I can think about is seeing Jeremy right now.
My next visit is still more than 2 weeks away and it seems like forever. It’s a strange thing to be comforted by a prison visiting room, but that day cannot come quickly enough so that I can have a piece of myself back. Having my daily communications with my husband cut off, cold turkey has been difficult for me. There are days where I want some relief from the battle that is currently taking place in my head. I`m anxious to get pat searched, escorted to an ugly room, with fluorescent lights, that make me feel disgusting and to connect with my husband behind a sheet of glass.
It isn`t ideal, and I miss our visits where we could hold hands, have our limited two kisses, and be able to lean in close and whisper, but this is it right now. I sometimes laugh that I`m making my entire marriage work through letters, one phone call a month, and one visit behind glass every 4-5 weeks. I`m letting it build and build and I know that at some point, probably soon, there will be a mini breakdown and I`ll lean on a bottle of wine, exercise and my friends to see me through. It seems to happen in cycles, and I`m entering the last phase of yet another emotionally challenging cycle.
The other morning before work, I was in my closet, and found myself sitting on the floor crying into one of my husband’s pairs of boxers(CLEAN!)that he sent me a while back. Missing someone makes you think crazy thoughts, makes your emotions run wild, and most of all it makes you realize just how much that person means to you. I want to say that I`ll never take our time together for granted ever again, but I know I will, but right now I just want my visits back. I want my husband back. I want to bring to light the issues that exist within prison walls that have caused this physical separation and I want to support my husband in his pursuit to expose the truths that no one sees.
More structured, themed posts to come. Today I just felt like talking about how I`m feeling. Thank you to everyone who reads.