Today is definitely one of those days where I found myself driving and wanting to let go of the wheel just to see what would happen. I don’t want to hurt myself, but I want to experience just a moment of free fall, a moment devoid of all the stress. I wanted to let go of everything and not worry just for a second. My life is a series of obligations and “have tos” right now. Get up alone, go to a frustrating job, and come home to be alone again. When I do get to be with Jeremy it is in a controlled environment where our time together is limited, our contact is monitored, and we have absolutely no say in how we spend our visits as husband and wife.
Right now I am highly frustrated by my lack of contact with my husband and I, admittedly, am feeling quite fragile which is really unlike me. I think I`ve hit a pretty rough patch in terms of dealing with the current circumstances. The days are long, and the nights are longer. I know I can get back on track if I could just get my dejected ass back up. I`ve pretty much shunned healthy food and exercise which I know isn`t helping my cause. Work is the most stressful it has ever been, and I`m exacerbating everything by being impulsive and unstable. I`ll be going back to visit Jeremy in a little over a week and I cannot tell if I`m excited or not. I know that deep down I am and my heart needs face-glass-face contact with him but I`m feeling sort of crazed and dramatic right now. I need my lover.
I had a real roller coaster of a week at work as well as with my personal life and I really just needed, every single day, to talk to my husband. Mostly I just want to communicate with my best friend that has been taken away from me. What do you do when the most important person in your life is out of reach? I`ve been thinking too much, making questionable life decisions, and feeling sorry for myself. It’s funny how one person can really be the glue that holds another together. Part of me knew this was coming, that everything up until this point truly was the calm before the storm and here I am. I am in it. What is ‘it’? Well, you won’t really know until you get there.
“Missing you is like breathing shards of glass
They get caught in my ribs
I`m unable to breathe
I stumble, I gasp, I cry, and I heave
My vision is blurred
There’s death on my tongue
My collar bones pertrude
My neck, it is hung
I fight and I struggle
For what seems like forever
I awake to thoughts of you
Now isn`t love so clever?”