Destination unknown

Today is definitely one of those days where I found myself driving and wanting to let go of the wheel just to see what would happen. I don’t want to hurt myself, but I want to experience just a moment of free fall,  a moment devoid of all the stress. I wanted to let go of everything and not worry just for a second. My life is a series of obligations and “have tos” right now. Get up alone, go to a frustrating job, and come home to be alone again. When I do get to be with Jeremy it is in a controlled environment where our time together is limited, our contact is monitored, and we have absolutely no say in how we spend our visits as husband and wife.

Right now I am highly frustrated by my lack of contact with my husband and I, admittedly, am feeling quite fragile which is really unlike me. I think I`ve hit a pretty rough patch in terms of dealing with the current circumstances. The days are long, and the nights are longer. I know I can get back on track if I could just get my dejected ass back up. I`ve pretty much shunned healthy food and exercise which I know isn`t helping my cause. Work is the most stressful it has ever been, and I`m exacerbating everything by being impulsive and unstable.  I`ll be going back to visit Jeremy in a little over a week and I cannot tell if I`m excited or not. I know that deep down I am and my heart needs face-glass-face contact with him but I`m feeling sort of crazed and dramatic right now. I need my lover.

I had a real roller coaster of a week at work as well as with my personal life and I really just needed, every single day, to talk to my husband. Mostly I just want to communicate with my best friend that has been taken away from me. What do you do when the most important person in your life is out of reach? I`ve been thinking too much, making questionable life decisions, and feeling sorry for myself. It’s funny how one person can really be the glue that holds another together.  Part of me knew this was coming, that everything up until this point truly was the calm before the storm and here I am. I am in it. What is ‘it’? Well, you won’t really know until you get there.

“Missing you is like breathing shards of glass

They get caught in my ribs

I`m unable to breathe

I stumble, I gasp, I cry, and I heave

My vision is blurred

There’s death on my tongue

My collar bones pertrude

My neck, it is hung

I fight and I struggle

For what seems like forever

I awake to thoughts of you

Now isn`t love so clever?”

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About Desiree

Living my truth, one post at a time. View all posts by Desiree

6 responses to “Destination unknown

  • melodie martinez

    I am sorry you are having such a rough time. If you need anything let me know. Until then…lots of hugs to you. I hate to say this…it’s such a cliche, but…it is true…”this too, shall pass”

    • letterstodesiree

      Thanks Melodie. That was my little breakdown. I know this too shall pass and I`m looking forward to that. I think it is almost as important to have those breakdowns as it is to be strong all the time. I actually already feel better. Just needed a momentary break from sanity 🙂

  • catbrat

    Do you ever find yourself asking yourself how much longer you can keep doing this? It seems SO tough. Seems like there would come a point where you just want to give up. Not saying you will of course but I think it’s a natural question one in your situation would ask, you know?

    • letterstodesiree

      Suzy Q- it is very tough and I just have my moments. My desire and need to be with Jeremy is strong and I truly feel like there is no one else for me. To walk away from my marriage would seriously destroy me and I don`t think I could ever do it because of the circumstances. My love and commitment outweigh my heartache 99% of the time. This is just that 1% where I feel like I`m drowning but I always come back strong and better than ever. Watch.

  • fitmommyforlife

    Every time you get overwhelmed by your existence, take a moment and breath deeply. Breath in the hurt and anguish you’re feeling an expel it. Reject it! That moment is GONE. This is just a road bump in your life and your relationship and soon it will be over and done with. (even though I KNOW it feels like an eternity right now..) Equally, every moment in our life brings us to a stronger point of being, and that includes our moments of weakness.
    “Our Greatest Glory in Life is NOT in Never Falling but in Rising Every Time You Fall” .
    These moments, while utterly heart-wrenching and possibly miserable, will make you appreciate after it’s all moved past that much more!

    Similarly, think about how Jeremy is feeling in this moment? Close your eyes and picture you are him, sitting in his cell, wondering, wishing, hoping you’re coping alright. Not having any resources or friends that he can text and bounce shit off of seek comfort or complain to. (Well, other inmates, sure, but not that he can talk to at a moments notice and trust with his entire being.,) And remember that you two make one whole unit.. and that you two have something so special that very few of us will ever be able to say we have experienced. A true soul mate. A best friend. A lover, all wrapped up into one. That is worth fighting through every hard morning, every hard day and every hard night for.

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