Whoa. I fully believe that an emotional bender is exactly what I needed because I feel so much better this morning. There are times that I think people expect me to be this pillar of strength all the time and that simply cannot be. For the most part I maintain like a champ but then there are days like yesterday and weeks like the one that just passed where I need a break to crumble and rebuild. It is a chance to start over, do better, be more and that is exactly what I`m going to do this week. I have just over a week until my visit with Jeremy and I intend on being a very present and connected wife because that is what I need and that is what he needs.
Something good did come from my meltdown yesterday and that is that I finally dreamed of my husband. I can never get my dreams to do what I want but that heightened emotional state of ruin I was in led me into an actual dream of him and I am glad. He was still in prison and it was actually a visiting day and I showed up in shorts(not allowed), and had my purse in the visiting room(also not allowed). It was a relief to just see his face behind that stupid scratched sheet of glass. Before I knew it, I was waking up, and it all faded away but it is important to me to know those dreams exist, that thoughts of him can elicit some resemblance of happiness and peace in the middle of so much unhappiness. I don`t really say that I`m happy these days because I`m not. Happiness is a weird, far away land for me. Some people may think that is sad and, although I want personal happiness, there are things to me personally that are more important right now.
So the countdown is on. 8 days until I make my trip out to Ely, Nevada to hang out with my husband and it will be a good day.