It is 3 days until I can see Jeremy again and I`m anxious, heartsick, and so ready to be able to talk to my husband again for a few minutes in real time. I feel so tense right now between work, my emotions, my upcoming visit, and just life in general. It got me really thinking how much I am focused on myself and my emotions a lot. I don`t disregard my husband’s emotions, but I never think I have to cradle his state of mind in my hands. At least I thought I didn`t until yesterday when I realized just how selfish I have become during this separation.
Yesterday, I took my normal drive over to the post office to check my PO box after work. As usual, there was a letter from Jeremy and I immediately took a deep breath, inhaling the smell of him on the envelope over the miles, and held it close to my heart just for a moment. When I got back to my car, I couldn`t wait to rip it open, so I stayed parked and decided to read the letter right then and there. I didn’t want to go home yet and something told me I needed to open it. Just open it. NOW! So I did. It started pretty normal with the “Hi. I miss you. I love you. I need you. I`m HERE”. The letter took a pretty quick turn into emotional instability which surprised me. I found myself facing some tough questions that I can barely bring myself to ask, well, myself. Words strung together that looked something like this: “If I can`t keep my promise to get home to you, where does that leave us?” and “Do you ever feel like you have bitten off more than you can chew or that you’re in too deep?”. The worst was “Do you wish you had never met me?”. My heart ached something fierce, not only for myself, but for my husband.
I realize that I have been so focused on MY feelings in this entire mess, that I haven’t been taking the time to look after my husband’s emotions, his fears. I haven’t quieted his insecurities, and I haven’t been as uplifting as I could be. I get so caught up in ME, ME, ME and MY, MY, MY emotions that I forget that there is a WE, there is an US, that needs some tending to, and most importantly there is a him.
I started to cry behind my glasses, sitting in my car in that parking lot, and I could feel my stomach start to knot up and I felt like my emotional letter rollercoaster had taken me from happy, to devastated, to relieved all within 7 pages. Towards the end of this letter he assured me that he was okay, that he just had a mini pity party, and that he has this under control. I feel like my entire equilibrium is off center now, thinking of the doubts in my husband’s mind, realizing how gut wrenchingly tough this entire separation has been on him as well. I felt, and feel guilty for being so self centered and focused on myself. I`m so used to Jeremy being there for me, that when the tables turned quickly, I never caught up. I pride myself on being an adaptable person, but I don`t feel very adaptable right now . I feel like I`ve kicked my husband while he has been down, and I want to fix that.
I wrote him back as soon as I got home, trying to be as positive as possible, while not betraying my own feelings over everything. The least I can do for someone who has given me everything I need, emotionally and mentally, is to be supportive, to be stable, and to not get sidetracked by my own selfish nature.