Visiting with my husband is like having the most intense epiphany one can possibly have and being left in ruins afterward. I’ve spent the last week having my normal emotional hangover from visiting, trying to get my mind back to functional, and trying to get my heart to beat a little slower. I`ll be seeing him again in 2 weeks and the cycle will begin again. I wouldn`t trade our visits for the world right now, though, even if the aftermath leaves much to be desired.
People have always wondered why I would give my life to Jeremy, why I`m so dedicated, why I love him. When I first decided to tell people about my relationship with him, I heard a lot of hushed voices asking “why”. “Why would she be with him?”. They said they understood why he was with me, but didn`t understand my early on devotion to someone I hardly knew, to someone with physical boundaries. The best answer I could ever give was “I love him”. Now that I understand my love and relationship inside out, I realize that Jeremy is everything I`ve ever wanted in a partner, in a soulmate, in a love. Forget that the prison exists, forget the heartache of visits and separation, and forget what you think a relationship “should” be.
I am loved and that is an understatement. I am understood, cradled, watered like a flower, accepted, doted upon, made to feel special, and mostly I can be everything with Jeremy that I`m afraid to be with the rest of the world. Those are just the ways he makes ME feel. That is just about me. My husband is one of the most wonderful and caring people I`ve ever met. There are times, despite the circumstances, I cannot believe that someone like him could love me, could want to be with me, and could be completely in love with me just as I am with him.
I don`t see Jeremy as a typical inmate. I don`t see him as an inmate at all. I feel like someone has plucked him from life and placed him in a terrible situation to test him, and I have every faith that he will succeed in the quest to change people’s opinion about him and that he will rejoin the world with me by his side. I could sit here and list a million things that make my husband truly extraordinary and truly one of a kind, but I`ll spare you my love sick rambles. I just want the world to know that there are special, thriving people in the darkest of places and I love one of them.
I know some people must think I`m brainwashed, or otherwise silly, and to them I ask: Have you ever been loved? Truly loved? Unconditionally? Do you feel safe with your lover? Do you feel like you could tell them absolutely anything in the world without fear of judgment? Do they love all the parts of you that not even you can accept? Do they thrive to help you accept and love those parts? Everything I just asked, reverse those questions, and ask your partner that. I can almost guarantee that you do not have what I have. If you’ve ever wondered what my love is like, think of sentences and thoughts finished without hesitation, being soothed with a look, feeling like you could walk through hell if only that person was walking beside you. That is what I feel in my love, in my marriage and it is really something special.