It’s been about a week since I`ve posted an entry but it feels like a year. Time tends to drag in this situation and that dragging feeling extends to all areas of my life. Work was pretty hectic, which was only intensified by the emotional roller coaster I rode this week. There was some talk about my possibly being able to have a contact with my husband and I momentarily let myself get excited about it. I learned a long time ago, though, that nothing is what it seems in this life, and any sense of hope you may have can be ripped away from you in the blink of an eye. When I found out I wasn’t getting my contact visit, I felt let down, but I didn`t allow myself to get derailed. I actually used that information to push through the rest of my workday with force. It’s a strange yet amazing talent to be able to pull strength from somewhere deep down inside yourself and get through a difficult moment. I find myself strong and stable most of the time. I can hardly even bring myself to cry these days because I have built such a suit of armor around myself that I find it almost impossible to feel breakable.
I had to tell my manager, who knows all about my situation with my husband, that I didn`t need the day off in the end because I wasn’t going to get a contact visit with my husband but that I would still be visiting him the following week. She asked me to have a seat, she looked me dead in my eyes, and asked me how I handled my marriage to Jeremy. How I maintained my demeanor in the face of disappointment. How I was so young yet so able to have myself so together. I got up, closed the door for privacy, and sat down again. I started to absolutely gush about how much Jeremy means to me, how even if I had to do this the rest of my life I would do it because it is more important to me to be loved the way I am than to have the conveniences of a “normal” relationship where true love may or may not exist. I believe I even used the term soul mate to describe Jeremy to her, and I could see a million thoughts racing behind her eyes.
I`m not going to lie. This life is hard. It isn’t for everyone and to be quite honest, I never thought it would be for me. I`ve met a lot of women in the visiting room who were visiting their boyfriends or husbands, who vowed to visit each and every week because they were so in love and they couldn`t leave. You know what happened? I never saw those women again. I`ve also had the pleasure of getting to know some very strong women, quite like myself, who did show up again and again to support their men. It’s always a sad, yet happy feeling to see someone’s partner get parole. You become close to these people that you see week after week. You share your stories, your frustrations, your struggles, and they almost become part of you, part of the prison. The women I became close to during my years of visiting at Lovelock, who moved on, I`ve never talked to again. There is something about wanting to leave that situation and everything about it behind. You want to forget it. You want it stricken from your memory. I think of these women all the time and I have been known to get a little teary eyed, thinking about myself as left behind, but it is what it is. I take my standard deep breaths and remind myself why I`m here.