Yesterday I returned from my trip out to see my husband for our monthly visit. I drove this time and I definitely feel that the drive was both a positive and a negative for me. Driving 5 hours, twice, through mostly empty desert is exhausting yet liberating. By the time I arrived back home yesterday I was emotionally and physically spent from the long ride out, the rollercoaster of anxiety and feelings that come from visiting, and the long difficult drive back. It’s hard to say goodbye to someone you love, especially when you are denied the closeness with them you want so desperately.
I haven’t gotten to hug my husband in over 6 months since we’ve had these behind glass visits and that absolutely blows my mind and frustrates me at the same time. Trying to sustain a marriage on letters and visits that consist of only two of the senses is taxing. Sight and sound and a sheet of glass between our tastes, our smells, and our touches. Being so close but so far makes me want to cry and kick in the glass to get to my husband. I try to compensate by smelling clothes that belong to him, and creating the warmth of his skin in my mind but I`m anxious to have my contact visits back.
Yesterday I was looking as closely as I could at my husband’s face, I had my face right up against the glass, and he asked me what I was doing. I told him I was studying his face. Really studying it. Every line, every grey hair in his beard, his eyes, his nose, his ears, his hair. I wanted to create a map in my mind that I could travel to simulate using my other senses with him. I have never wanted to simply hold hands so badly in my life
At the end of the visit, I exited that little booth I was in for 5 hours, and immediately the guards walked over and tightly closed the curtains to the booth so visitors can’t have a lingering look or goodbye. At the end, they cut off even my sight of my husband, ripping away what little contact I do have.