Today is a weird day. It started with anger, tumbled through confusion, and has evolved into a good, long cry that I desperately needed. I rarely allow myself the extremely cathartic experience of crying for so many reasons. If I let go of the control I have over my emotions, I don`t know if I`ll ever be able to get them contained again. So much of my time is spent dealing with this heaviness in my chest, this wound that I continue to scratch, that my life with Jeremy continues to scratch. Every time I think things are going well, somehow there is another obstacle put in our way.
I had a tattoo appointment today and I let every bone in my body relax as I drifted somewhere far, far away in my head as the needle took on the burden of a small portion of the craziness I`m feeling. I needed that time for myself. I needed that alternate form of pain for my sanity. Getting tattooed has been a process I`ve clung to since I`ve moved out here to be with Jeremy, and it has been especially helpful in managing the distress I`ve been in since losing most of my contact with my husband 7 months ago. There is allowing the pain to wash over my skin, the soothing ache afterwards, and the healing. It is the physical manifestation of the emotional scab in my life, that is constantly ripped off, and it allows me to put everything back in its place again. Then the cycle starts again.
Today I watched an episode of Locked up Abroad about a woman who got caught smuggling drugs out of Thailand. She spent 9 years in a Thai jail and did not speak to the man she loved for those 9 years, but constantly thought of him. She was embarrassed to write him because he had warned her beforehand not to go through with the smuggling. So, when she got back to the states she called him and they talked through the night, he flew from the East coast to the West to be with her, and now they are married. That episode allowed me put a band-aid on my own open wound for now and reminds me that there is hope.