Am I happy? Am I sad? Do I have hope? Is this the end of the road? I can never quite tell. This marriage has tested my emotions in ways I never thought possible. I find myself going from enraged to elated to frustrated to desperate all in one breath. Sure, the emotional highs and lows can be exciting and provide some relief from an otherwise routine existence, but when do you step back and reclaim your sanity? Better question: When do I step back and reclaim MY sanity?
I`ve found myself on an emotional roller coaster, I feel I cannot get off of, since my husband was transferred across the state. I can deal with prison, and I can deal with the disciplinary time he has received if we were close in distance, had our phone calls, and could at least count on a date when we would be able to reunite like a normal prison couple again. Instead, I find myself flip flopping between being bitter and angry at the situation, and therefore lashing out at pretty much everyone around me, and remaining calm, focused, and otherwise stoic in moments where I want to scream. The conflicting emotions that this separation has placed on my head and heart are extreme and I feel like I`ve not only tired myself out mentally from everything happening, but I`m really feeling more lost than ever.
Jeremy and I are still waiting to hear what his second level appeal response will be to his disciplinary sentence. That should be revealed in the next two months and in the meantime I get to think about all the what ifs. What if they don`t reduce his “hole” time? What if we have to do this one phone call, one visit a month behind glass for another year? What if I emotionally break? What if?
Any dedicated wife of an inmate will tell you that living this life is almost like being a prisoner yourself. You willingly put your life on hold, abide by rules that any free person would consider silly, and you wait. A lot. Days blend into weeks and weeks into months and you suddenly think to yourself “This feels familiar and uncomfortable and I cannot let go. This is my life”.
I`m having a moment, or several right now. I believe in Jeremy. I believe in our marriage more than I`ve ever believed in anything in my entire life. Right now we are at the bottom. You’d think that being in prison would be punishment enough without all the internal system bullshit that happens behind those walls. I guess they just want to make it that much harder. I really feel like the Department of Corrections in Nevada thrives on breaking spirits, on enforcing distress that any person would cringe at, and mostly on separating families. I know what some people are thinking: “Who cares? They deserve it”. What if they don`t deserve it? What if the families don`t deserve to ride some sick and twisted existence of ups and downs? What if an inmate’s fate rests in the hands of someone that would soon destroy rather than rehabilitate?
I`m clawing my way back to a hopeful state and hitting every possibly speed bump along the way. I know I cannot change anything right this second but I can control the way I handle it all.