Teetering

Am I happy? Am I sad? Do I have hope? Is this the end of the road? I can never quite tell. This marriage has tested my emotions in ways I never thought possible. I find myself going from enraged to elated to frustrated to desperate all in one breath. Sure, the emotional highs and lows can be exciting and provide some relief from an otherwise routine existence, but when do you step back and reclaim your sanity? Better question: When do I step back and reclaim MY sanity?

I`ve found myself on an emotional roller coaster, I feel I cannot get off of, since my husband was transferred across the state. I can deal with prison, and I can deal with the disciplinary time he has received if we were close in distance, had our phone calls, and could at least count on a date when we would be able to reunite like a normal prison couple again. Instead, I find myself flip flopping between being bitter and angry at the situation, and therefore lashing out at pretty much everyone around me, and remaining calm, focused, and otherwise stoic in moments where I want to scream. The conflicting emotions that this separation has placed on my head and heart are extreme and I feel like I`ve not only tired myself out mentally from everything happening, but I`m really feeling more lost than ever.

Jeremy and I are still waiting to hear what his second level appeal response will be to his disciplinary sentence. That should be revealed in the next two months and in the meantime I get to think about all the what ifs. What if they don`t reduce his “hole” time? What if we have to do this one phone call, one visit a month behind glass for another year? What if I emotionally break? What if?

Any dedicated wife of an inmate will tell you that living this life is almost like being a prisoner yourself. You willingly put your life on hold, abide by rules that any free person would consider silly, and you wait. A lot. Days blend into weeks and weeks into months and you suddenly think to yourself “This feels familiar and uncomfortable and I cannot let go. This is my life”.

I`m having a moment, or several right now. I believe in Jeremy. I believe in our marriage more than I`ve ever believed in anything in my entire life. Right now we are at the bottom. You’d think that being in prison would be punishment enough without all the internal system bullshit that happens behind those walls. I guess they just want to make it that much harder. I really feel like the Department of Corrections in Nevada thrives on breaking spirits, on enforcing distress that any person would cringe at, and mostly on separating families. I know what some people are thinking: “Who cares? They deserve it”. What if they don`t deserve it? What if the families don`t deserve to ride some sick and twisted existence of ups and downs? What if an inmate’s fate rests in the hands of someone that would soon destroy rather than rehabilitate?

I`m clawing my way back to a hopeful state and hitting every possibly speed bump along the way. I know I cannot change anything right this second but I can control the way I handle it all.

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About Desiree

Living my truth, one post at a time. View all posts by Desiree

4 responses to “Teetering

  • mel

    Just like a real teetor totter, life has it’s ups and downs but like the teetor totter, it does somehow balance out. I think you are doing a great job at holding your life together and continuing to love Jeremy when others would say “screw this shit”. Have yourself a little fun though because this isn’t just Jeremy’s life but yours too and you need to be happy too. It is so easy to just fly through the days in between visits and phone calls. You just stay focused on that visit or phone call. You live for letters. Just remember to live your life too. I learned that the hard way.

  • J

    I’m going through this now. It’s all new to me and I’m trying to stay strong. I get angry at myself for questioning him and our future. I’m scared and lonely. My family and few friends are somewhat supportive. The system makes it so hard for us too. Thank you for your honest writing, it’s nice to know I’m not alone. All the best, I’ll be reading. As my love tells me, smile for me.

    • letterstodesiree

      Thanks so much for reading my blog! It’s always inspiring and strangely comforting to know that my words can be related to. You are most definitely not alone. Stay strong and find the peace within. Smile 🙂

      • J

        You are welcome! I’m new to all of this, so it’s really comforting and yes at times unusual to find someone else feels the same. Inner peace is definitely a goal. Today has been one of the harder days I’ve had so far. Thanks for the comfort

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