I like hugs but I had never been one to give them freely or in volume until this last year. Losing my weekly hugs with Jeremy has opened my eyes to the fact that human connection is electric and healing and necessary.
Thinking about my husband being in solitary confinement, with little to no contact, makes me upset because I know how difficult this separation has been on me, so I can only imagine how lonely it is for him. Tomorrow I`m going to drive out to Ely State Prison for our last non-contact, behind glass visit until this entire disciplinary nightmare is over. He will be able to have contact visits beginning September 30th, and all I can think of is getting my first embrace from my husband in 9 months. Everything is secondary. Kissing, talking, holding hands; those actions pale in comparison to the hug I am craving and imagining. Hugs allow you to feel safe, to feel loved, to bury yourself into another person’s arms. It almost seems unreal that I`ll get to experience that in less than a month. These last 9 months have felt like a lifetime to me, and although I`ve gotten to hug different people over that span of time, they don`t add up to what my husband’s close physical proximity can provide.
Last week at work I was having a bad day. I was letting my workload and the stress of my personal life get to me. I walked into my supervisor’s office and I just burst into tears without filter. She made her way over to me and gave me a giant bear hug and I was shocked by it because I had almost forgotten what being comforted was like, what a powerful embrace felt like. At the end of our conversation I gave her a hug and I held onto that hug like it was the last one I would ever get. That made me realize just how deprived of normal physical contact I have been. So the countdown is on to the all important hug.
I feel sort of silly writing this entry and 9 months ago I would have never considered this being important, but it is. It is love, it is contact, it is comfort. It is being human.