I woke up frustrated this morning. Frustrated with my life and the situations I find myself. I wanted to blame someone. Jeremy, my friends, even the ottoman I stubbed my toe on last night. The only person I have to hold accountable is the person in the mirror. The only person I`m allowed to be angry with is myself. The only person who is responsible in how I feel on any given day is myself.
I was disappointed yesterday because it seems like I`m there when my friends are in a jam or need to talk but when I need someone to talk to not one person can be found. It’s not often that I need someone to lean on but I couldn`t get a response yesterday from several people and I was quite miffed about it during the day and into the night. I woke up wanting to lash out, be angry, and redirect the blame. I laid in bed for a while trying to center myself, trying to get my thoughts in order, and I came to the realization that no one is to blame, that there is no blame. This is life. There are going to be times, and many times for me personally, where I`m not going to have someone to talk to or help me with advice. I`ve decided to be happy today and to make some coffee this morning and battle the demons in my head on my own.
Any path you choose is going to be the same. You are the ultimate keeper of your fate. You decide. While it is nice to have advice when you think you need it, ultimately you make your own decisions. I make my own decisions. The last 10 months have been hard on me and that is a gross understatement for the way I have felt leading up to this point. I’ve done a whole lot of forced changing, steeling myself, and rearranging my thoughts. I know that I need Jeremy, but I know longer count on his advice to get me through because our daily communication was ripped away quickly and I was left standing knee deep in my own anxiety and insecurity. When you are forced into an unexpected situation it really is a make or break moment in your life. The strings get cut and you are on your own. While that change was painful, I am glad for it. I am able to handle much more than I thought I would be able to.