If you’re not careful and you don`t take care of yourself in this situation, you can certainly find yourself spiraling down into a dark place. It can be lonely and a struggle in so many different ways. Having limited contact with Jeremy the last 9 months has dragged me through emotional ups and downs. Some days I can feel completely strong and able. Other days can be a real fight just to exist in a world where everything else is moving around you and you’re just standing still, being patient, forging a smile, and trying to survive the madness that comes along with the prison system.
The closer I get to having more contact with my husband, the faster the wheels in my head are spinning, the more desperately impatient I find myself. The days stretch out like months on the calendar and I mentally pace back and forth between my hopes and my fears. Why is that when you are so close to something happening, good or bad, the more intense life seems? The less able you are to keep everything running smoothly? Things just start to fall apart, and when I say that , I mean you start to seriously doubt your sanity.
Coming into this marriage with my own emotional baggage and having to forcibly unpack it all in order to survive the life I live has been tough, but I think I’ve done pretty well at making it work, pushing my limits, and painstakingly growing as a person. I feel tested and tired. Jeremy will be off disciplinary soon and I will have seen him through that storm and I`ll continue to support his quest for justice as well as getting him back closer to me. I need to work on myself now that some of the pressure has been alleviated.
Since my husband will still be on limited contact with me until he moves closer, (we will get one phone call a week instead of one a month but really now?)I’m seriously considering going to therapy which is not easy to admit or do because I like to resolve my own issues. I just feel that having to be a one woman army this past year has sort of depleted some of my strength as a person. Mostly I just want to talk to someone who can give me the tools to cope with everything I`m feeling so I can give my best as a person and as a wife. I`m feeling off and I need to refocus in order to be in any way useful going forward.