I spend a lot of time alone with my thoughts which is just fine by me most of the time. I don`t feel some tragic need to be around people every second of the day. I find that mentally exhausting and after a long day with people I quite literally need to wind down and take a nap. I was never built for lots of socializing or being on the go. I accept this about myself after years of struggling to “fit in” or “be like THAT person”. So it would make sense that I would actually, at times, enjoy my situation because I get to be by myself, make my own decisions, and live a life where I`m in control.
This arrangement works until it doesn’t. It works until it’s 1 a.m. and I’m alone in my place of residence and hear a noise. I don`t panic but I`m scared and I`m needing my other half there with me. In the middle of the night is usually when my thoughts attack me. They attack me with fear and they are so delighted to do so. So here I am at 1 a.m., thinking unclearly because I`m tired but unable to sleep, wondering if my husband is asleep, and wondering if I`ll eventually get back to sleep. I always do and in the morning I`ll wonder why I was so scared. I`ll wonder why I let so many silly thoughts take over and drive me off a mental cliff for no reason.
I had a really long drive home yesterday from visiting. This was the first drive home since the time change and I am not a fan. My night vision isn`t fantastic and my judgment of distance is questionable so it takes me forever to get anywhere in the dark, especially on some desolate desert highway with little light. I got home about the same time but my entire drive home was a rollercoaster of emotions made more intense by the early sunset. I was tired, cranky, and not ready to let go of my visit.
Saying goodbye yesterday was difficult. My husband isn`t one to say goodbye and turn and walk away. He turns around, again and again, hoping to say he loves me just once more, or to flash me one of his boyish grins that make me light up inside. Yesterday he was the first to be taken back and I stood on my tippy toes to look over the guard station and blow him more kisses and then he was gone. Just like that. My love, my everything was gone within seconds that felt like they moved in slow motion and then the harsh slap of reality set in: I was going home alone. For some reason everything yesterday was the perfect storm for intense emotions to arise. I watched every visitor turn back to their loved ones for just one more connection. “I love you. Remember that”, one guy said. “I love you. Thank you for coming”, said another. I felt like I could be taken away by some overwhelming tide of sadness right then and there.
I try really hard not to be sad at the end of a visit or shed light on the fact that I want to cry sometimes. This situation has conditioned me to keep myself together in the moment, to be aware of the reality of my marriage, and mostly to be strong. I`ve visited countless times and I have the art of goodbye down.
Today is Day of the Dead. Today is also my four year anniversary. Four years ago I was absolutely out of my mind nervous at my impending marriage “ceremony”. I had only moved to Reno a few months before and I dove right into marrying Jeremy like my life depended on it. If I had to do it over I wouldn`t change a thing. I would marry him again and again, despite the ups and downs of the last four years. Time has both flown and stood still amidst the madness, love, heartache, laughter, and challenges that our marriage has endured.
I`m not sure if I`ll get to talk to my husband or not today, as the phone situation is precarious at best. He has been off of disciplinary for over a month and the one call a month to one call a week status has just been set into motion. I know that on this day I will think of him, though, and remember how brief and packed full of nerves our little exchange of vows was back in 2009. He was so nervous he was sweaty and could barely look at me. That was endearing and amusing to me as I made light of his profuse perspiration. I was all nerves but like a duck as usual, calm on the surface but kicking underneath. The way they had it set up, I got to visit with my husband after like a normal visiting day. The only thing that was different was that we both had rings.
I would like to personally thank my friends and family for being so supportive. No one in my inner most circle has ever thought my marrying Jeremy in prison was silly or otherwise a bad idea. When I told them, they were just happy for me. We didn`t have any family at the ceremony, at my request, but I hope that one day we can get married proper in front of all of the people who have supported our love.
Happy Anniversary, mi amor.