Vulnerability, Independence, and a brain that won’t shut up

I spend a lot of time alone with my thoughts which is just fine by me most of the time. I don`t feel some tragic need to be around people every second of the day. I find that mentally exhausting and after a long day with people I quite literally need to wind down and take a nap. I was never built for lots of socializing or being on the go. I accept this about myself after years of struggling to “fit in” or “be like THAT person”. So it would make sense that I would actually, at times, enjoy my situation because I get to be by myself, make my own decisions, and live a life where I`m in control.

This arrangement works until it doesn’t. It works until it’s 1 a.m. and I’m alone in my place of residence and hear a noise. I don`t panic but I`m scared and I`m needing my other half there with me. In the middle of the night is usually when my thoughts attack me. They attack me with fear and they are so delighted to do so. So here I am at 1 a.m., thinking unclearly because I`m tired but unable to sleep, wondering if my husband is asleep, and wondering if I`ll eventually get back to sleep.  I always do and in the morning I`ll wonder why I was so scared.  I`ll wonder why I let so many silly thoughts take over and drive me off a mental cliff for no reason.

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About Desiree

Living my truth, one post at a time. View all posts by Desiree

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