Hope is dangerous. Hope can make us or destroy us and I believe that I have had my fair share of both instances in this marriage. I hope my husband will call. I hope I will see him. I hope for the strength to carry on long after I feel I cannot. We make our hope a reality with work, heartache, joys, and struggle. Tonight on the phone I told my husband that each time I start to believe in hope, in the universe, that my belief is shattered into a thousand pieces I cannot possibly pick up all by myself.
Our weekly call was late by a day, and even though I know the precarious nature of the prison phone system, I was worried. I knew something was off; I could feel it deep in my gut like someone had punched me. When my instinct is right it is pretty dead on. He said he was sorry so many times, that he dreaded telling me the news he had about his transfer, but I knew. I already knew. Nothing is ever cut and dry when dealing with the Department of Corrections and I`m not really sure why I allowed myself that glimmer of a still uncertain scenario to dance around in my head. His words cut me to my core but I didn`t let on that I had unraveled completely in about fifteen seconds.
He explained to me that he saw his caseworker and that his “points” were “too high” for him to be sent back to a medium security prison. He said it is going to come down to going back to court and filing a habeas corpus and getting this assault and battery off of his record in order for him to return to a medium security prison. He said that we’ll file that in the next month and that we’ll go from there. He said. He said. He said. The words that he said that struck me the most were that he was sorry, over and over again, telling me that I didn`t deserve this. My heart hurts when my husband’s heart hurts and I could feel the pain through the telephone like a thousand knives were stabbing me all over my body. I took a deep breath and told him that WE didn`t deserve this. I know how the system works, how corruption runs rampant in all directions, how it isn`t his doing. We battled to make eachother feel better in those short fifteen minutes.
So many thoughts rushed through my head, though, from curling up into a ball and having a good long cry to literally running away. Far, far away somewhere. I thought of all the ways I could provide myself some instant gratification to take back some of my peace. I could go on vacation, I could get a massage, I could drop all of my responsibilities. So many of these thoughts flashed through my head in a matter of seconds. Our phone call got cut off, of course, and I had one brief and powerful cry before I got up and continued my bedtime ritual of drinking tea, brushing my teeth, and turning on my humidifier. I can let this derail me completely or I can continue on. Sometimes the only way out is through and I`m already in over my head so I might as well find the light.
My person will soon be closer to me again, hopefully. The inmate that attacked my husband over a year ago has been granted parole and is now back out on the street. His record indicates that he is a repeat offender so I`m sure he will be back in custody at some point. What is important right now is that my husband can now request to be transferred back to where he was before this entire mess happened. 100 miles of driving is far, far better than over 300 miles. My overriding hopes are that this works out, that he is transferred back to Lovelock, and that it happens swiftly. I am one very tired woman and wife and I need some good news.
Being so far away from my husband for the better part of a year has taken me through some serious ups and downs. There have been moments of absolute stillness, where I wasn’t sure what I was going to do. I have cried, screamed, meditated, slept, and autopiloted my way through the last year and I`m ready for a rest. I`m ready to have my person back.
Although I have found a fountain of strength inside of myself that I didn`t know existed, it will be nice to rest my weary mind with regular visits and daily phone calls with Jeremy again. I`ve clung to my limited visits, phone calls, and countless letters the last year like my life depended on it and in some ways it has. When you find your best friend and your confidant in life you need that person. That person becomes your temple, your truth, yourself. That person may not be your sole reason for living but they sure make being alive a better experience.
I miss my person.
Well, it’s January 1st, 2014 and while many people are resolving to head to the gym more, be better people, eat healthier food, and make more money, I`m hoping that my husband will surprise me with a phone call today instead of calling tomorrow for our scheduled weekly talk. I don`t make resolutions because life rarely unfolds the way we would like it to anyways. All you can do is try your best and know that life happens equal parts as it is meant to happen and how much effort you put into it.
Just over a year ago I thought I had my routine down, I believed in some degree of order and fairness. Just over a year ago my boat had not been rocked yet. Routine breeds comfort and when you get comfortable you start experiencing tunnel vision. Tunnel vision leads to blindness to the rest of the world and to your surroundings. I`m not talking about your immediate physical surroundings but it blinds you to the fact that unfair things are going to happen, people are going to hurt you, and your life can change in an instant.
Luckily, this change usually makes us stronger more resilient people, able to move forward when we thought we couldn`t before. The last year of my life has changed me in ways I cannot express. The change has been difficult, sad, revealing and necessary. While 2013 was filled with a lot of ups and downs, personal struggles, and way too much time away from my husband, it was also filled with realizations about myself and my life that I simply did not want to acknowledge before. I`m glad 2013 is over but I could not have entered 2014 without those 365 days of madness.
For 2014 I hope to connect with my husband more and that circumstances in that area of my life are dramatically altered for the best. I hope to be the best self I can be at this age, in every moment. I hope to have more personal courage, to be kinder, to dream while I`m awake, and to be happy. Mostly I hope that I don`t look in the rear view mirror of life except to relive positive memories.