Sometimes the end is only the beginning

Hope is dangerous. Hope can make us or destroy us and I believe that I have had my fair share of both instances in this marriage. I hope my husband will call. I hope I will see him. I hope for the strength to carry on long after I feel I cannot. We make our hope a reality with work, heartache, joys, and struggle. Tonight on the phone I told my husband that each time I start to believe in hope, in the universe, that my belief is shattered into a thousand pieces I cannot possibly pick up all by myself.

Our weekly call was late by a day, and even though I know the precarious nature of the prison phone system, I was worried. I knew something was off; I could feel it deep in my gut like someone had punched me. When my instinct is right it is pretty dead on. He said he was sorry so many times, that he dreaded telling me the news he had about his transfer, but I knew. I already knew. Nothing is ever cut and dry when dealing with the Department of Corrections and I`m not really sure why I allowed myself that glimmer of a still uncertain scenario to dance around in my head. His words cut me to my core but I didn`t let on that I had unraveled completely in about fifteen seconds.

He explained to me that he saw his caseworker and that his “points” were “too high” for him to be sent back to a medium security prison. He said it is going to come down to going back to court and filing a habeas corpus and getting this assault and battery off of his record in order for him to return to a medium security prison. He said that we’ll file that in the next month and that we’ll go from there. He said. He said. He said. The words that he said that struck me the most were that he was sorry, over and over again, telling me that I didn`t deserve this. My heart hurts when my husband’s heart hurts and I could feel the pain through the telephone like a thousand knives were stabbing me all over my body. I took a deep breath and told him that WE didn`t deserve this. I know how the system works, how corruption runs rampant in all directions, how it isn`t his doing. We battled to make eachother feel better in those short fifteen minutes.

So many thoughts rushed through my head, though, from  curling up into a ball and having a good long cry to literally running away. Far, far away somewhere. I thought of all the ways I could provide myself some instant gratification to take back some of my peace. I could go on vacation, I could get a massage, I could drop all of my responsibilities. So many of these thoughts flashed through my head in a matter of seconds. Our phone call got cut off, of course, and I had one brief and powerful cry before I got up and continued my bedtime ritual of drinking tea, brushing my teeth, and turning on my humidifier. I can let this derail me completely or I can continue on. Sometimes the only way out is through and I`m already in over my head so I might as well find the light.

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About Desiree

Living my truth, one post at a time. View all posts by Desiree

4 responses to “Sometimes the end is only the beginning

  • Stephanie

    As always, your words are beautiful and poignant,but I hate to read the ache in your heart. I’m sorry Desi. You are so powerful and strong, even in your weakest moments. Hope itself isn’t what destroys us, only the loss of it. Just keep clinging to it, even if it’s only by one scraggly, broken fingernail.

    • letterstodesiree

      Thank you, Steph. That news just hit me like a ton of bricks and I`m trying to compose myself. It seems like we are always getting our hopes up only to have them let down in the worst ways. You know better than anyone. *hugs*

  • Kimberly

    I don’t have the words. Don’t. Have. Words. just overwhelming feeling off sadness for you. I understand your thoughts of hope. I understand the instant gratification of massage, vacation, running away. Different stories. Same feelings. Try and get to your happy place. I will too.

    • letterstodesiree

      Thank you, Kim. It is overwhelming at moments but I definitely believe that we have the ability to pull through any situation no matter how painful. Just have to take it one day at a time. Sending happy thoughts your way and definitely commiserating with you, my dear.

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