I got up this morning with one plan in mind: to run until I was physically exhausted and I did. I ran and then I ran some more and when I felt like I wanted to throw up I ran some more. It’s good timing that I`m training for this 5k now because that gets my ass up, out the door, and on the road. The running this morning was less for training, though, and more to ensure I didn`t lose my mind over the intense stress I`m feeling right now. It was my therapy this morning. It’s never easy to get people to understand my life, my struggles, my heartache. Sometimes I just want to be alone, work out whatever I`m feeling in my head on my own.
Deep down I knew Jeremy wasn’t getting transferred right now. A couple of weeks ago he was “rolled up”(told he was getting transferred and to pack his stuff) and at the last minute he was held back. We waited another two weeks, still believing he was on the transfer list, only to have him be refused a transfer again. We’re not exactly sure what is going on, but Jeremy thinks that someone at the prison he was formerly at, and would like to return to, is blocking him or otherwise influencing the denial of a transfer at this time. It could be a number of people who simply do not like him, it could be the correctional officer who falsified her report to get him in trouble, it could be her husband who is a higher up on the chain. It could be any number of people who simply wish to spend their miserable lives judging others where they have absolutely no place to judge.
So, as of right now, I have not spoken with Jeremy since Monday when I saw him but I did receive a call from a family member who has legal call access and Jeremy called him yesterday and said family member called me. I was relieved to hear news but sick to learn the nature of the news. I had been feeling ill the last few days waiting to hear from my husband anyways, so this topped it off. Luckily, I had my trusty bottle of wine which allowed me to somewhat delay the onset of reality. I woke up this morning early, thirty for water and desperate for answers. I know the answers aren’t going to be presented anytime soon, I know there will be more waiting, so I put on my running gear and off I went. I haven’t cried yet and I`m not sure I even can. I find it hard to cry when something I already expected happens. Throughout it all, I still have hope. I have a well of hope inside of me buried under all the hurt, disappointment, and struggle. It’s there and it will rise when the time is right.