Alice’s adventures in Wonderland is one of my favorite stories of all time. I’ve clung to the images created by this story all throughout my life and have indulged myself in both the book and the Disney movie. My life feels a lot like Alice’s adventure sometimes, although my adventure never seems to end and there are realms within realms of Wonderland. I fell down the rabbit hole years ago and arrived in some place I never thought I would be. There have been so many ups and downs throughout my life with my husband that for a long, long time I forgot to stop and smell the beautiful flowers, and I even forgot about myself. If there is one thing for sure about Wonderland, it’s that at some point you are going to want to run away and return “home”. Wherever you think home may exist.
A few weeks ago I had a bit of an emotional break that I`m still recovering from. I was feeling extremely uncertain about my place in this world, my place in my marriage, and most damaging, my place in my own life. I leaned heavy on a few of my close friends and was able to pick up the pieces and move forward from whatever strange mood had gotten the best of me. I contemplated leaving Nevada, taking time away from my life here, running away. It dawned on me, like some bad cliché’, that changing your location doesn’t change your circumstances. It only puts a band aid on a deep seated issue that will eventually rise to the surface. Oh, and it will. So, for now, I am one half of a heart again, instead of shattered into a million pieces, and I`m ready to rip off whatever band aid I may have placed on my life.
Although I still want to run away, I cannot, so I`ve done the next best thing and I`ve started running. I will be participating in my second 5k tomorrow and I`ve signed up for a half marathon in Las Vegas this coming November, which means a lot of training this Summer and into Fall. I signed up for my first 5k on a whim, at the recommendation of a co-worker, and was hooked instantly. This is something for me and only me. I can share the experience with my husband, but this is solely mine. After that first race, I felt something inside of myself I hadn’t felt in a long time: hope. I feel hopeful that I can somehow make peace with my life and where I`m at, that I can be happy without the constant guidance of my other half. I could be a present guest at some crazy tea party we call life.
I`m scared, of course, and I`m changing. I love Jeremy, I do, and I know he supports my branching out to try new things in this time of desperation and uncertainty. Even though I seem like I have it together all the time, I will tell anyone with absolute truth, that my heart aches in a way that I cannot describe. Having my best friend out of reach most of the time, right now, is devastating but I`m learning to live my life so that I can give more as a wife during all the challenges we face. I moved here 5 years ago and have given a large portion of my twenties to my relationship and marriage. If I don`t stop and smell the roses for myself, no one else is going to do it for me.