Monthly Archives: July 2014

My privacy on a platter

At this point in my marriage, I`ve gotten used to the fact that there is no privacy. Letters are scanned, phone calls are recorded, and the only tiny bit of privacy I might have is when I`m visiting my husband and we speak quietly. Other than that, my words and heart are on display, constantly under surveillance, which I`ve grown accustomed to, but which I`ve also grown incredibly tired of.

I`m always careful about what I say, and how I say it, and it seems that my rights to express myself freely to my other half were stolen years ago. Lately my mail to my husband has been getting delayed. Where it usually only takes 3 days for a letter to reach him, it has been taking a week and beyond and that is because they are “monitoring” his mail. Why? Mostly likely because they(whoever “they” is at the prison) has caught wind that legal action is being pursued over the corruption and scandalous behavior of the department of corrections. The last time my mail was delayed like this was before my husband was transferred from medium security to maximum security after he was set up at Lovelock Correctional Center and a guard falsified her report to have institutional charges brought against him. They did quite a bit of delaying and “losing” of my mail to my husband before he was transferred. Now it seems that the staff at Ely State Prison have begun some sort of close monitoring.

It’s always comforting to know that someone’s fingers, whom I did not intended to, glide across my bleeding heart on paper. They must enjoy reading about my personal thoughts, my daily habits, and non-threatening existence. What irritates me is that they hold onto my letters for days. They are supposed to deliver mail or mark it as “unauthorized” within 24 hours, yet they hold my mail for a week or so, reading it, forming opinions, and probably even making copies of them for their records. Someone is making copies of my admissions of love to my husband, the fact that I`ve been depressed lately and everything else that flows from my mind and onto paper. They make copies of what I did on the weekend, how I enjoy kissing my spouse, my hopes and my dreams. The only privacy I have in my marriage is my thoughts and even those feel infiltrated at times.


Choices and Chances

Being alone, for the most part, has been both my strength and downfall in life. I can be surrounded by 100 people and still feel alone and it’s in those moments that I realize that I can have all the friends I want, it will not compare to having someone special, someone to love, someone to be close to. People have asked me if I actively date other people and the answer is no. I don`t seek out people to fill in for my husband, I don`t troll dating sites or feel like I have to have someone with me to complete my life, but there have been a couple of people the last year or so who have confused my feelings about my life in both good and bad ways.

These people came into my life by chance and I would never take back anything that I`ve said or experienced. While I don`t believe in seeking affection or having feelings for someone, in the romantic sense, outside of a marriage, I also realize that my marriage is very different. It is different because of the circumstances, the lack of contact(especially the last 1.5 years) and it is also different because my husband is amazing. While he has had his fear that I would leave him for someone else, he has also been incredibly supportive. I can be an open book, I can be a 29 year old woman with wild feelings and a need to branch out at times. He understands and he harbors no ill feelings towards my choices. If he didn`t want me to open my heart and feelings to others, I wouldn’t and that would be the end of the story, but the fact that he is confident in our marriage enough to allow me my freedom of choice strengthens our bond in unspoken ways.

I don`t regret anything I`ve ever done. I wouldn`t take back any feelings for other people that I`ve put out into the world. I believe in every decision I`ve ever made and I also believe in chance encounters enriching us as human beings, no matter where we may be anchored in our lives. These two people, while very different, have taught me things about myself and things about people in general. They have made me realize where I`m messing up in my life and where I`m excelling and I am thankful every day for any situation that allows me to grow. My feelings are never wasted if they can go towards positive realizations and succeeding in being more secure with myself.

I no longer speak to either of these two people; one has been gone months and one has been “let go” more recently. Both were difficult to let go of in different ways. One of these people I actually miss dearly, as I feel they were a positive influence in my life and I just couldn`t wrap my head around anything a few months ago and I am sorry for that. I sabotaged a wonderful friendship because of my own demons. People make mistakes and sometimes those mistakes are unable to be taken back or repaired but I miss this person. I think about this person all the time and I`ve shared this sentiment with my husband as a way of trying to cope with the loss. It’s amazing when your husband is also your best friend and your therapist. The other person, that I`ve recently parted ways with, was toxic but enticing. Isn’t that the way it always goes? I tend to want to hold on tight to what I know isn`t good for me but I finally let go. So, here we are again. I`ve come full circle from wanting no one but my husband to rethinking my entire life to realizing, once again, that I am where I need to be. I don`t know if the circle will ever take me back around again and I hope it doesn’t to avoid heartache but what is life without learning experiences?

I know that I am grateful for my husband. I am grateful for his patience, his devotion, his understanding, and mostly I`m grateful that he truly loves me and would sacrifice his own happiness for my own. This is not a typical, “conventional” marriage arrangement and we’ve both learned the ability to bend so we don`t break. It makes me nervous to write these words and to put them out there for the world to read but this is my story and I believe in honesty at any cost.