We are in the thick of the holiday season now and I would be lying if I said it was an easy time of year. I tend to lose my life footing around this time, becoming maybe a bit emotionally unraveled, but quick to get it together again. The last few weeks have been tough between being alone(read: not lonely), trying to grasp onto some sense of a normal bond with others on a level of that which I have with my husband, and general dodging of questions from others. My co-worker asked me the other day if I was going to be alone forever. At the time, I didn`t think much of it, because it isn`t something I really think about it. I live each day as it comes, trying to have faith placed in the next day should I be so lucky to have it. This person also said that he thought I deserved someone to come home to, someone to hold my hand when I’ve had a hard day. Just that simple statement struck my core. Something as simple as holding my husband’s hands in a time of distress is not possible. They are just hands. They are just holding onto eachother, but that is some cosmic experience right now because it so rarely comes at a time when I actually need it.
My sacrifice is my life. My life in exchange for a bond that I truly believe cannot be made with anyone else and believe me I have tried. I’ve been asked to “settle”, to put up with shit from others I know wouldn`t make me happy, to go down the “normal” road of being with someone I may or may not like in the long run for the sake of playing house and having kids. No thank you. As it is, when I was younger I told my mom I would never even get married, so Jeremy got real lucky in my actually saying yes to him after many years of him asking me. Is my sacrifice worth it? Yes and No. There are days where I stand strong in my marriage, where I feel like the universe has truly given me something for a reason, and my faith is unshakable. Then there are days where I am a shell of a person, trying to find fulfillment in others who serve me no purpose but to pass through, questioning my life choices. It’s a push and pull. It is not easy but it is possible.
What is the ultimate gift in life? To be loved. Not just loved, but loved unconditionally. To be loved for all the darkness that exists between the light, between your smiles, between your good days, skinny days, “on” days. To be loved for your scars, your disgusting “things”, your sadness, your fuck ups, your oh so flawed body and thoughts. That is a gift. I know people that like my pretty face, my pretty thoughts, but what I have in my husband is someone who stares my demons down, looks them right in the eye, and does not flinch. People may think it is unfortunate that my husband is in prison(and it isn`t by any means anything favorable), but I think the real unfortunate occurrence in life is when people don`t get to experience a bond with another human being who will love them when they are whole and when they are in a million pieces with no idea of how to put themselves back together. I seek that in my life, those rare humans, those imperfect beings that will love and understand me through it all. I have found that in my husband, and on a friend level, I have found that in a few people whose disgusting, raw, messy, beautiful nature makes me happy to be alive, to feel, to be as open as I can.