Yesterday I had my last visit of 2014 with my husband. It was bittersweet, but I truly found myself living in the moment and really “going for it”. What does that mean? It means letting down my guard, embracing my life and my choices wholeheartedly and laughing in the face of the misery that tends to creep up on me, sit on my shoulder, and eat away at the happiness I have with my husband.
Yesterday I kissed my husband like I would never kiss him again because you never know. He was being funny and I roared with laughter until my belly hurt and I wanted to cry. An inmate I didn’t know asked me to make him laugh for his picture, while I was waiting outside of the bathroom, so I did some faux kung fu moves like some kid who just watched a Bruce Lee movie. Then I spun and spun until I was dizzy. I made the inmate laugh and my husband watched me like he had never seen anything so wonderful in his life. I felt myself really let go and just have a good time for the first time in such a long while. I felt my heart explode in my chest in that moment. I realized that this IS my life right now, this IS my choice and I am not sad because of it.
The prison has become, strangely, my safe place, somewhere I feel comfortable. I`m excited to arrive and sad to leave. Yesterday, driving away, I felt like a piece of myself was being left behind, and really it was. In that moment, I knew that home was no longer a place but it could be a person, a feeling, a drive, arriving and leaving, the way someone smells, kisses, breathes. It could be a million things and it could be nothing. My home away from home happens to be a maximum security prison and because it houses the king of my tired, excited, ready for more heart, I embrace those barbed wires, steel doors, calling to schedule a visit, the long road, the scary feeling, and the overwhelming urge to run from it all.
I think by now that most people don`t think I`m crazy anymore, but are genuinely intrigued by my life, my love, and not that it matters to me(because I would do this regardless), but it feels good. It feels like maybe I`ve made them see my idea of home, my intense love for my husband, and I’ve let them in on just a little bit of the beautiful memories I’ve made out of a unique and hard situation.