Calm. Calm. Calm on the surface. Functional, stable, controlled. I am calm on the surface, holding all of my desperation in. Inside I am chaos, a storm, desperate to be near my husband. We only saw each other less than 3 weeks ago, yet it feels like a lifetime since he has been transferred further away. Thoughts are creeping in about the distance between us. Anxiety over visiting a new prison is flaring. Worry about potentially having to move and uproot my life once more is real, and it’s making my days long and uncertain.
We’ve barely spoken the last couple of weeks because he is transitioning to another unit so 1 phone call a week and a stack of delayed letters every 5 days or so for now. My heart and mind are going crazy. My life feels like it is hanging in the balance and I am clumsily trying to hold onto something before I fall. I`m trying to hold onto my husband with all of the hope and strength that he usually provides. But he is out of reach right now. He is delayed, separated from me. He is words on a paper that come too late and a phone call that always seems like 5 minutes instead of 15. Whatever imaginary manifestation of what we think our hearts are really for, besides keeping us alive, I am feeling it: heart break, a tired heart, a heart that is aching. I feel sick.
Salvation comes in knowing this is temporary. He will be in another unit soon and I`ll plan my visit and we will connect again in a new place and strategize about our life and what happens next but today I am a cloudy day, some stupid sad song you play over and over when you’re trying to identity with the music and the lyrics. I am everything confused and hopeful.
Tomorrow morning I`m doing Bikram yoga for the first time and I hope I sweat out everything that ails me, I hope I sweat my heart right out of my chest and I hope it materializes again, whole and ready to love and live another day.