Monthly Archives: March 2015

Lucky in love…in prison

This blog is A LOT about my struggles. Someone recently told me that they read my blog sometimes and they feel sad for me because what I write is heartbreaking. I suppose that I do write a lot about the hardships that I go through as the wife of an inmate and it certainly can be heartbreaking when the struggle is so real just to maintain some days. For every moment of heartbreak and frustration, though, there are a thousand moments of beauty and heart exploding joy that I have found not only in my marriage with my husband but in prison itself. That sounds really odd and unless 1. You have been doing this for quite some time and 2. You are comfortable and honest about your life, you will probably not understand that lessons and the chance for life blooming can occur in the spaces between barbed wire and concrete walls. So, today I want to talk about my love and why I do what I do.

Years ago I overheard a conversation about my relationship with my husband where one woman I knew told another, “I understand why Jeremy would want to be with her, but I don`t understand why she would want to be with him”. This made me laugh and honestly still does to this day. Unless you know the inner workings and dynamics of my relationship, you will never really get it to the full extent. To anyone who doesn’t know myself or my husband, we just seem like a terrible criminal and some brain washed woman. Admittedly, there IS a lot of that stereotype in the prison wife “scene” and I mostly keep to myself, but I strive to paint a different picture of MY relationship for anyone who is willing to have an open mind, an open heart and open arms.

My husband tells me that people are willing to have an open mind about him and our marriage because I`m a wonderful person and because of the way I talk about him, so passionately and honestly. I always blush when he tells me this because to me it is second nature to speak about someone, who has given me so much in my life, with love. People have asked if they could write him or share a phone call with him and I think it’s because people are very curious about him and they want to know if he is everything I say he is. It always fills my heart to the brim when those who do interact with him discover what an amazing person he is. I always joke with him, that he is popular, and everyone wants to talk to him more than me and we play argue about who is loved more by our family and friends. I think we are a dynamic duo and that is what makes our relationship, connection, and love so special. I truly feel like we radiate our rays of love sunshine and are able to better give and receive love because we have each other.

All my life I have taken the route less traveled, rebelled against what is standard and have refused to settle for emotional connections that are less than mind blowing. What I have found in my husband is someone who really strives to give me his everything and I would rather surrender to someone who may sport a prison back number but who loves me so honestly and wholly, than with someone who I could be with out of convenience because we, as a society, are conditioned and taught to follow a certain path in life. Everyone wants different things out of their relationships and out of love and I don`t knock other people’s desires to choose their own paths. All I ask is that others don`t discount my relationship because it is different than theirs because sometimes different is the best way to fulfill our need for love and connection.

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The topography of emotional release

There is a crack in the teacup that is my being. Usually I would berate myself for having any type of an apparent breakdown. I am tough. I am strong. Release doesn’t mean a loss of strength, though, at least not anymore. I like to think of it as allowing the light to flood into your person in order to be able to continue to shine. It is perforations in a black sky to allow the starlight to sparkle in the abyss that is stress, a hard time, grief, loneliness.

Yesterday I went to hot yoga and I was dehydrated after and my body betrayed me but it allowed for complete freedom to just FEEL. Not think about what I was feeling but to just feel. I slept a long time, I slowed down, I rested. Later in the evening I drove to the post office in the slushy snow and I sat in the parking lot and I cried as soon as I heard U2’s “With or without you” playing on the radio. I cried until I laughed and it felt like being born again. It felt like being born into a new phase of truth and honesty within myself; a phase that I desperately needed to enter. Sometimes you just need a good cry in your car while feeling ill and listening to U2.

I talked to my husband this morning and the first thing I told him was that I am dying without him. I am a huge fan of hyperbole and dramatics when I talk to my husband, if only so that I can really affect him and let him know how affected I am by him, by his love, by being away from him, by all the madness that currently exists in our lives. He was his usual encouraging, caring, together self and inspired some stability in me with just his words. It’s in those moments when I can be cured with a few words out of his mouth and sharing a few laughs with him that I truly unravel at the reality of the fight we have ahead of us.

U2 was right: I can’t live….with or without you.

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