“The trouble is, you think you have time”

I love this quote. I read it somewhere online a while ago. It is by an author named Jack Kornfield who interprets the teachings of Buddhism in his work. Anyway….
That really is the trouble. We often think we will have later or tomorrow or next week or “some time”  to make things better, to tell the truth, to act on things we want. Being married to someone in prison makes you realize how precious this moment, right here right now is, especially when you’re faced with such a small amount of moments compared to being with someone out in the world without the push and pull of incarceration. When you’re faced with limited interaction, the uncertainty of the next connection, you start to realize that the present moment is the right time to love hard, to be honest and raw, and to truly love in the moment.
I used to take my moments with Jeremy for granted so much and it makes me sick. I think for a long time I thought he would always just be there when I was ready to love him(and he was), not realizing that I had wasted time not really enjoying every encounter we have, every embrace we share, every spoken and written word. This man loves me and he seizes every single opportunity to make that known and I have taken that for granted in the past. There are days, even now, when I am tired and irritated about my life but I am brought back into the present moment by my desire to immerse myself in this gift the universe has given me: unconditional love. I have never really known what that meant until I loved this man. Unconditional, time transcending, mind blowing love. How I know I have something truly special: prison seems to be such a small part of the equation despite playing such a large role.
I try to seize the moment, both in the life I lead away from prison, and also in the presence(whether that be in person, on the phone, or in a letter) of my love. When something is funny, I throw my head back and I laugh like I’ll never get to laugh again. When something is sad, I mentally dissect every last corner of that sadness while he watches me unravel and strives to help me find answers right then and there. When I have something to say to my husband, I say. I say it all even when I don’t want to because there may not be another opportunity to give the gift of honest presence. I hold hands and kiss like that will be the last time because it might be. We all are on borrowed time. How much? No one knows, but I want to use my borrowed time to send my heart off to its home again and again.

About Desiree

Living my truth, one post at a time. View all posts by Desiree

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