At one point I was foolish enough to think that there would be a map that would lead me to the “why” of being in love with someone I cannot access freely right now. I thought there would be a path blazed, an ultimate truth to discover. The guide to being married to someone in prison. Now available for the low price of…it doesn’t exist.
What I have discovered on my little boat in the middle of this blue prison uniform ocean is that no two stories are the same and that prison is an interesting part of the equation. It’s like a threesome with my husband, myself, and the many variables that exist in our lives.
Wait. Stop. Go. I have had to go cautiously and completely bravely forward. Land mines be damned, the only frame of mind that has gotten me to a place of peace with love and life as I know it, is taking it one discovery and one day at a time. There really is no other way if you want to keep your sanity.
You cannot prepare. You cannot assume there will be safety or retreat or a plan. The map to the answers is buried somewhere with the treasure. You just decide to go and you go. I decided to go over a decade ago and I have not stopped. Just because it takes a long time to reach a destination, doesn’t mean that the journey has to be all pain and heartbreak. I have found myself while searching for my map and treasure.
What do you do? What do I do? I accept every phone call from a correctional center that comes through my cellphone, I allow my life to be infiltrated by the smell of steel and pat downs before I kiss my husband. I practice the idea of completely embracing the unknown. I have stopped asking “why”. I now ask “what is next?”, with curiosity over the uncharted territory that is being with the love of my existence, my husband, my prisoner, my prison.
What is next? My distant island that I know is there and whose shore I dream of reaching with my other half.Maybe I’m not certain when we will reach it, but I can feel its warm sand and smell its fresh air and I know we will get there.