Inescapable. adjective.unable to be avoided or denied.
Infamy. noun. the state of being well known for some bad quality or deed.
Being asked to participate in a broadcast that airs on CNN is both flattering and fucking scary. Oh, excuse my language. It is VERY fucking scary.
Someone came across my blog. Someone read my blog. Others read my blog. Then I was corresponding with producers and then things got stressful. I thought to myself “someone wants me to talk about my life…on television? That is weird”. Someone wants to interview me about my life with Jeremy? Someone wants me to be on a national broadcast and talk about prison and love and the spaces in between the coils of barbwire and how I survive? That is strange. Why? It’s strange because my life seems normal to me. Nothing to see here, folks. I am desensitized to my own life but it must be curious to outsiders. I must be curious. I must be crazy. I don`t know. What I do know is that I am proud of my writing and I am in love with my own life and all its hurt and joy. I`m not sure I could pull off conveying that on television. I don`t know.
My mom’s first thought about the idea of my participation was that she didn`t want people to say mean things to me. She was genuinely worried about my heart and feelings. The moment my mom spoke those words, I launched into a speech about how I didn`t intend on living my life being scared of what other people thought. But television. Exposure. That is a whole other level outside the safe space of my blog and my control over my content and how I am portrayed. There have been a few people who have made comments on my blog that were hard to read, but there has been more support and love and understanding. That support, love, and understanding has far overshadowed any hard to read comments. But television. Exposure. My face. I`m just not sure. I was never sure, but there was a twinge of excitement over the possibility of speaking of my husband in front of a large audience. There was excitement over translating what I write here out to the world.
Getting support in favor of my participation was an uphill battle from there. None of my husband’s family seemed to think it was a good idea out of care for both myself and my husband. I felt immensely stressed between not wanting to make giant waves and between wanting to help my husband. That is what I care about. I care about helping my husband. I could not care less about actually being on television. I care about bringing my writing to life so that others will understand this love that I fight so hard for. There is a problem, though. That problem is that my husband is an infamous inmate. There it is. It is written. It is true. The person I call my other half is infamous. His face is known. His story is known. There have already been so many articles written, opinions formed, stones thrown. That is the reality, though. My husband is well known. It would be a challenge to sneak by on a t.v. show as unknown and really have people listen to my words and my heart without some sort of backlash. It’s a fine line to walk.
Ultimately, I`ve decided not to participate.
I felt like sharing this on my blog because it is part of my life. It was an opportunity that came up that was incredibly unexpected and gave me a renewed sense of power in my words and how I am expressing myself and my love for my husband on this blog. I just want to take a moment to thank everyone who reads this blog. Whether you agree with my life or not, whether you know my husband or not. Thank you for returning to read about my life again and again. Thank you for your support and love. Thank you to my friends and family who are the most awesome group of people I could ever ask for. They do not judge. They seek to understand. To all the strangers who read this…thank you.