Joy. Happiness. Lightness. We want it. I want it. When I have it, I think I am made. I think life is made. I am blinded by some brightness that I’ve convinced myself I live in.
Then something happens, a lot of things happen. Reality, loneliness, injury. No one wants that stuff but it happens. It is happening and I am frustrated and grateful and frustrated.
No matter how much you plan life, life does not care. Life will give you what you need, not what you want sometimes. I have learned. Yes, I have learned this the hard way, the easy way, and now the hard way again. Repeat, new chapter, repeat, old chapter. Repeat. This is life.
Being married to someone who is here but never here, who is free to love but not on their own schedule, will teach you some life lessons. Life lessons that hurt and that you also want to coat yourself in. I am coated and I am trying to understand and accept yet resist and persist. You will try to make everything okay over and over again until you realize they are not okay and that becomes strangely comforting. It’s ok not to be ok and it’s a sick feeling but it’s a real feeling. Hold on tight. This is being alive.
Defeat. No one wants it but it is the most necessary part of existence at times. Not forever defeat, but a small slice of it every now and then. I feel it. I loathe it. I love it. Defeat is rest and reset. Just a little bit. Just enough but not too much. These lessons are life and they hurt and I don’t know what I would do without them.
He isn’t here. My mood is up and down over the phone lines but he rides the waves like some skilled surfer braving a vicious storm.
I am injured physically and irritated by this. I am injured emotionally and not irritated by this. Life is on the brink of changing and I am injured and helpless and powerful and independent and totally alone and crowded and scared and fearless. Everything hurts and I`m dying. Everything is fine. Messed up is fine.
We want joy but sometimes we get ended friendships and a lover that is actually in a prison. Actually not able to be with you.
We want joy but sometimes we get a heart that was born broken and knees that are injured with soreness and self pity. We want joy but there is a journey beyond joy that is far more valuable and truthful than what joy could ever give us.