I`m thinking of the way his nose is crooked and beautiful and the birthmark that stains one of his amazing blue eyes. I`m thinking of his calloused hands and how his hangnails assault my soft, small hands when he pulls me closer. These small details are often overlooked by the world, by millions of lovers everywhere. These imperfections are often forgotten in the wake of things that are more pleasurable, more symmetrical, more engaging. But I`m engaged. My goodness, am I engaged by life’s little details, the moments we often forget to thank, the pain that doesn’t always lead to happier times, but that leads to the epiphanies we need to grow.
I can’t find my name on the sign in sheet at the gatehouse on my way out. I am flipping through the pages, unfocused. I am panicked because I want to sign out and leave. People are looking at me. I am tired. I wait an hour to see him in all of his blue jean and facial hair glory. I hear a million voices around us that buzz like flies and I am frustrated and I want quiet. I say I want easy. I say I want different. I forgot to thank my hands that shake but write the date. I forgot that feeling panicked means I am alive. I forgot that people looking at me and me being aware means I`m doing something that scares the shit out of me for someone I love. I forgot to thank slow moving moments for patience. I forgot that I am frustrated because I care and my heart is beating and I am in the presence of heaven and hell all at once when I am at the prison.
There are so many forgotten thank yous in my life right now. I am uprooting, leaving another place to be closer to another place made of steel doors, barbed wires, gun towers and I`m scared, devastated, not ready. I forgot to thank that fear for driving my decisions, my quest for staying loyal and in love. I am worried and I am thankful because it’s that worry keeps me breathing, moving, focused.I forgot to thank not being ready because who ever is for greatness? I forgot to thank devastation because feeling too much is better than not feeling at all.
It’s Thanksgiving and while I want to say that I am thankful for all the wonderful, random, amazing, supportive people in my life, I also want to say that I am thankful for every difficulty that leads me to a place of grace and healing. I am thankful for the ugly, the painful, the harsh lessons, the distant light that is far but there. I am thankful for prison, this road,and the scars that make a life worth living.