Am I a good wife?……
I let the cursor sit after that question mark, blinking for a while. dot. dot. dot.
What is a “good wife” or “good spouse”? What is enough, but not too much? Is it someone who acquiesces all the time? Or is it someone who challenges the very foundation of the marriage? Is it someone who never has thoughts of leaving or running or just being away for a while? Is it someone who keeps all of their clothes on for everyone except the person who exchanged “I do” with them?
Did you stray? Did you love another? Did you let this “other” kiss you and all of your brokenness? This person who is not your husband. Did you let him? Did that person leave you alone and confused and picking up pieces?
These are tough questions. In general, my answers would be different from what they are now. If I was involved in a conventional marriage, they would be different, but I’m not and sometimes striking a balance is so ridiculously hard. It’s painful and I often times find myself breaking my own heart with my actions, thoughts, and words and taking my husband’s beating chest muscle along for the ride. But…I am human and my reckless nature is not a state of being I own. It’s rented and sometimes we rent behaviour that we don’t necessarily keep all the time, but that we use to get by, at least for a little while. We need it. I rent reckless to be able to breathe and live and stay when I would otherwise have left.
Am I a good wife? A good person? Am I the accumulation of all my reckless emotional mess, a product of my experience?
How do I answer those initial questions as someone who has been married to a person in prison for almost 7 years? As someone who has committed, maybe not always fully, half her life to someone who is here but missing?
I answer them honestly and with transparency and I hope that people look beyond my seemingly, at times, reckless behaviour in regards to how I deal with my life and my emotions and the loneliness and this marriage and my heart that is constantly kicked around and picked up and kicked around some more.
Did you kiss him? Even though you aren’t married to him? Did you drink too much to forget? Did you drag your heart through the mud and tether others to your silly feelings and drag them too? Did you make beautiful things dirty and the dirty things normal? And did it hurt? The back and forth, the being in love and wanting to run at the same time? Did you hurt yourself to deal with the stress? Did you love two people and then no one at all? Did you want your cake and did you eat it too and did it make you sick?
Yes. To everything. I am reckless and I am in love with my husband and sometimes new people I meet and I am human. Reckless, to me, is sometimes survival. It is a shock to a system that has developed a clinical routine and it feels good and it feels terrible and it is necessary. You rent your reckless and you let it consume you, destroy you, and then you recover.
Am I a good wife? Yes. Am I also a living, breathing being who sometimes isn’t sure how to react to life? Yes.
More often than not, I jump before thinking and no matter how difficult and messy life becomes, I`m almost always glad that I did. Jumping to let go is what allows me to fly when the heaviness of my life would otherwise weigh me down.