Monthly Archives: May 2016

When you were young

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Outside looking in

Do you ever think to yourself, “my life seems so strange”, compared to others in the snow globe of life. I think this a lot. Usually I’m quite okay, if not satisfied, to have a very different, very real story about what and who I`ve dedicated my life to, but then there are days, like yesterday, where I feel the intense separation of my reality vs. what others are doing and experiencing. I wonder what life without prison as a third wheel in a marriage, in my marriage, would be like. I get lost in this wondering and wondering turns to desire and frustration. I wonder what it’s like in that snow globe, if I could live there and love there and be happy.
Someone I used to date briefly,  but have known since elementary school, got married this last weekend and it left an unexpected hole in my being. Something inside me shifted and has left me feeling bereft. I had been thinking about this person’s wedding quite frequently leading up to the date, oscillating between a sense of happiness and also a deep sense of loss on some level. I was hell bent on not resisting what I was feeling and trying to cultivate a genuine feeling of congratulatory delight. But. Emotions are tricky and seem even trickier when you’re trying to figure out exactly what it is you’re feeling. What the fuck am I feeling?
Trying to explain this to Jeremy was a bit difficult because there are, at times, no words to describe how lost I feel, how empty and jealous and desperate I feel. So…..I cry and stay silent and get angry all at once and I need this cycle but my goodness does everything hurt in the face of a chosen, yet tough, reality. It’s a nice fresh slap in the face when you haven’t fully recovered from the last slap yet. I find myself, as I often do in intense moments, just “toughing it out” by smiling and saying positive things even though I want to have a complete meltdown. Jeremy knows, though. He always knows. He knows that I’m wounded but able, that I’m spinning out but trying to hold on, that I want to leave in moments of madness but that I stay.
Although I enjoy being outside the globe, looking in, I also want the opportunity to be in that space and I want to be shaken and I want magic and maybe magic means normal and maybe I want a small slice of that stupid normal dream. What do you do, though? I guess you have to believe in your own dream, your own reality, and still allow yourself to be happy for those who have found theirs on a different plane. Maybe everyone is really just in their own snow globe and maybe it’s a trap, but maybe it’s freedom. Are we all just outside looking in, wondering where the grass is greenest? Yeah, I know. The grass is greenest where you water it, but getting my heart and head to agree on that is a daily battle.
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“What people think is not what they know”

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Are we out of the woods?

Are we in the clear yet?

I have quite literally made this song the soundtrack of my life lately, listening obsessively, trying to birth new life to a heart and soul that is tired. There is a lot of nostalgia and hope and destruction that can come from songs that speak to you, or me. I believe that music, lyrics, songs, feelings set to a melody, can reignite a person’s path and can be a push toward what the heart knows is meant to be.

Lately, I have continued to think back to when Jeremy and I first met. We were just two kids who were trying to navigate the very real situation of his life sentence in prison and a love that came on so strong, that I think it took us both by surprise. Here we are, 15 years later, again trying to navigate our plan of action for our future and fighting against becoming a “business as usual” marriage, which can happen sometimes under a great deal of stress. The balance of getting things done and maintaining the feeling of being in love with someone can be overwhelming and one or the other often takes a back seat.

Although we were pretty young when we met, we aren’t those two kids anymore. We have done some serious growing up, both separately and together, the last decade and a half, and the way we approach our problems with one another is fiery but… stable. At our last visit we somehow started business as usual, tumbled through nervous sublimation, and ultimately laid our cards out on the table. All of them. I think, for the first time, neither one of us was trying to knowingly blame the other or hurt the other as a result of our own pain and heartache. That visit made me realize how strong we are, how strong our separation and our struggle has made us. I left the prison feeling less “business as usual” and more like I actually really appreciate, respect, and adore the person I am married to. Is this what getting to the next level of a relationship feels like? Maybe. I think so.

Anyway, today is just random rambling about my thoughts lately and strange adult realizations. I did want to mention that my husband has started a blog of his own, which I`ll be managing. If you’re interested in reading about him/his life and the prison madness, you can check out: A Life Without Parole

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