Tag Archives: department of corrections

When prison meets pizza

There used to be this Pizza place in Ely, Nevada named “My Papa’s Pizza” and I used to order from them frequently when I was in town visiting Jeremy back in the mid 2000s (especially when I was snowed in and stuck in town for days). They have since closed, but I remember that they would drop my pizza off at the front desk and the front desk agent, who was very familiar with my presence around the hotel(which is now called The Prospector, but back then was a Holiday Inn), would bring the pizza to my room. I remembered this little piece of personal pizza history randomly the other day while I was wondering if I would ever write another blog post again. After I started to think about the pizza place and the former Holiday Inn, now Prospector hotel, a flood of memories surrounding those earlier years of visiting started to come rushing in. Mostly I remembered that time in my life, that time in my adventure with Jeremy, at this point in my life, because I remember people being kind to me. Not a “fake smile” sort of kind, but a genuine appreciation for my story and what I was there for.

You see, everyone at the hotel knew who I was and who I was in town to see. Word tends to get around and to this day, I`m not entirely sure how. My best guess is that someone at the prison was in contact with someone at the hotel, or something along those lines. Anyway, people knew me and people knew who Jeremy was and they really were just kind to me, not because they had anything to gain but because sometimes life hands us a wild hand of cards and we play the fuck out of that hand even though we know the experience isn`t going to be the best and we might not come out ahead in the early stages of the game, or ever.

I knew the people at the old Holiday Inn by name, they would take me to and from the small Ely airport, when once upon a time, Scenic Airlines used to fly from North Las Vegas to Ely (it has since ceased this route and I find I strange and sort of cosmic that is ceased around the time I no longer needed those flights).They would shuttle me around to and from the airport and to and from the prison, until one day they just started to let me take “the Caddy”(the company Cadillac) on my own. They even left the keys under the driver’s side mat a few times and parked it at the airport so that when I arrived I could just drive myself to the hotel. I had become, strangely, some part of the Holiday Inn and I have a fondness for the building, even to this day.

There used to be a manager there named Dan and I remember him turning to me once while we were stopped at a red light on the way to Ely State Prison and he asked me if anyone had given me a hard time about who I was visiting out at the prison. I said no, and I wasn’t being entirely dishonest because no one ever SAID anything to me, but I did have one front desk clerk, at the beginning, give me the side eye about my adventures in Ely. Dan told me that if anyone ever said anything to me that I should let him know immediately because he wasn’t going to let anyone give me shit about my life choices, that is wasn’t their business, and that although life is sometimes crazy, that he believed in the goodness of people deep down, that he believed people made mistakes and that ultimately he believed in second chances and forgiveness.

That conversation has stuck with me all these years later, along with the memory of getting my grilled cheese and mashed potatoes (I really do love some weird food combinations) comped on a regular basis by Patrick at the hotel. Those memories stick with me because those people were so kind to me and they didn`t have to be. They could follow the small town rule of casting me out as a freak, or an outsider. They could eyeroll me so hard that I felt their contempt and ultimately they could have said some pretty nasty things to me, like people online have said to me, but they didn`t. They never did. They let their kindness and their willingness to listen and try to understand come first and I am so grateful for that.



Jeremy’s request for re-sentencing has been denied at this state level, which was to be expected but still makes for a disappointing sting. Although I’m sure we are in for more denials before we get any relief, I knew this first one was going to be extra upsetting for me. It’s also a bit anxiety inducing because at each level there will be sensationalized news articles released, spewing not facts about the case, but hearsay along with lies and the most inflammatory statements to get people angry.

The attorney representing the state called Jeremy’s case, and I quote, “the most heinous crime in history”*. I’m a little concerned how much history this individual knows, but that’s beside the point. The point is that the state is going to say anything, print anything, and throw anything at this case that they think will make us give up because that is their jobs. Their jobs aren’t rooted in impartiality or truth or having a soul. Their job is to win at any cost, even if it means lying about the facts of the case, manipulating details, omitting information, and making outrageous claims like the one the DA made to get it in the papers. I take back all my misplaced opinions about people who I’ve read negative things about in the media in the past. I understand now.

This is the appeals process, y’all. I’ve never personally been part of it until now, but I can tell my sensitive nature needs get ready for rejections and harsh words and it needs to learn how to move past it all. The truth? Yes, I want Jeremy to have a chance at parole someday. I know that angers some people, those who believe he doesn’t deserve a chance, those who believe no one deserves a second chance at life. I wonder if they also think this crime is the most heinous in history. I wonder if they take everything at face value and don’t bother to really get to know what’s going on.

The article about the denial that the LVRJ printed also includes inflammatory wording and insinuation of racism, which makes me laugh. It makes me laugh because one of the hate messages I received said I must not care about the victim because she was black. While it is ridiculously amusing now, when I read it and when I read this article, I could feel anger bubbling beneath the surface. It’s angering because race is not an issue here. We are two of the least racist people, so for the judge to make the comments about race and for the paper to print that, well that just goes to show they are relying on information that is not true. Maybe not even relying on it but counting on information that is not true to upset the public.

Jeremy’s best friend in prison is a man named Andre, an African American who sports a fro and at one time, before he knew Jeremy, wanted to murder him because he thought what the papers printed about him was true and that he was a monster. Each and every time someone wants to murder my husband because of what they think they know (and this has happened a lot, believe me) and then get to know him, they usually become friends. Whites, Blacks, Mexicans, Asians. My husband runs with them all, and treats everyone with respect, so for someone to claim racism makes me angry laugh, if that’s a thing. Just as I was typing the last part of this post, Jeremy called me before going out to yard and his friend Rasta, who is also African American, took the phone from him to say hi to me really quick. So, racism is not an issue here and it is that type of bullshit that gets printed in the papers. All I`m saying is, don`t believe everything you read. Not about my husband, not about his case, not about anything.

So, a denial. An expected one, but one that sucks nonetheless. From here the case is appealed to the Nevada Supreme Court, which I doubt will provide any relief either. After that? The case will move into the Federal District Court and from there the Ninth Circuit Court. It’s a waiting game now.

For those of you who are wondering what the argument is, or legal basis is for the appeal (because I know some guys Jeremy knows in prison have been wanting to file similar appeals when we get a favorable ruling), the issue is the age. Juveniles (which currently means under 18 in Nevada), are not sentenced to death or life without parole because of fairly recent rulings. The problem is that a line has been drawn at 18, but does one miraculously change into a full-fledged adult with a fully formed brain on their 18th birthday? What is the difference between 17 years 11 months and 18 years 1 month? Scientifically speaking, there is no difference. In fact, science says that the brain is not fully formed until the mid-twenties. There are raise the age campaigns going up across the nation, challenging the age 18 cut off. Why can’t people drink until their 21, which is when they are considered an adult, but they can be sentenced to life without parole at 18?

Some folks will argue that age does not matter and no matter what age you are, you deserve every harshness that comes your way if you commit a crime. For those folks: I really, really hope that you never get into any shit where you think the mercy of the system might be on your side.

I do want to touch on the fact that while I believe in second chances, I am not pro let serial killers, or those who continuously have severe behavioral problems, out without serious consideration and proof that they have rehabilitated. There are some people who just cannot stop committing crimes. So, yes, I do believe in punishment, but I also believe in the ability to change, in the age issue we are raising, and in second chances. Again, people will roll their eyes and say something along the lines of “Well there is no second chances for the victims of crimes”. You cannot get through to everyone and each person will have an opinion on justice and forgiveness of their own.

This feels like such a heavy informational post, which usually isn’t my jam, but I wanted to provide an update for those who are curious about the case and what we are doing, what is happening. If you’re here just to leave angry comments (which I`ve disabled because nobody has time for that) or be angry in general, there is nothing for you here. Yes, apparently, I am married to a man who committed the most heinous crime in history and this is our story.

*8/6/2018 I wanted to add here that I recently went back to the LVRJ article and it appears as though they have altered the quote by the DA to now read “…one of the most infamous and heinous crimes in history…”, which I find pretty funny because it just illustrates how ridiculous the media is. Also, still not even close there, y’all. Carry on.


About a week and a half ago, I was on Facebook and I commented on a post by Damien Echols, a former death row inmate. Damien’s post was about something to do with freedom and the anxiety of being on the outside after so many years in prison. Anyway, I follow him because I like his photography and his posts are mainly about the joy of living on the outside and the hope that comes with being in the world after all that he has been through.

So, this post was one of a few I had randomly commented on. I usually don`t comment on “page posts” because, well, I just don`t, but every once in a while I like to express a thought I have about something or a feeling that I can identify with or even a hope that I share. I believe my comment was about my hope for Jeremy’s eventual freedom and how his post made me feel like there can be a life after prison, especially when you were sentenced to a life sentence when you were just 18. I made no mention of Jeremy’s name or details because really it was just a comment on the expressed emotion, not on the specifics of my life or who I am married to. I don`t know why I commented on it. I guess partly because I just wanted to put my words somewhere and another part of me wanted to connect with others who were maybe open minded and could be supportive and who I could support. I think that is part of being a human being, right?

One woman, in a short comment, shared her story about her son being incarcerated and expressed her own hope. “Okay, off to a good start. Rad.”, I thought to myself. I then put my phone away and went about my daily errands. Shortly after that I noticed the familiar red bubble near the Facebook app that indicates that you have a new notification. I opened up Facebook right away, like the slave to social media that I can be sometimes, and it said that so and so has commented on my comment on the Damien Echols’ post. I thought maybe there was more on my thread about people identifying with me or my feelings or someone sharing their story as well. I got excited, but I was very quickly deflated when I noticed that it was someone who is trying to “out” me and isolate me in the thread by posting a news story about Jeremy and the person asked me if I knew what my husband is in prison for. There was more to the comment, that I honestly cannot even remember now because I got tunnel vision and deleted my original comment and put a stop to the entire witch hunt before it started. I just could not deal with it at that moment. Not right then, not that day. I seriously thought to myself “Fuck! Am I not even allowed to share in a positive post without having someone shit all over me?”

I started to question whether or not I had the right to post without people ganging up on me. I started to become irate because there I was, just trying to connect and someone took time out of their day to cyber stalk me, find an article, and post it in the thread I was in. “Am I a pariah?”, I asked myself. Maybe I am, but then what does that make anyone who is willing to go against the grain in regards to their life choices and open up about them? Are they pariahs as well? Well, maybe they are. Do I deserve to follow my own path but not be allowed to talk about? Am I allowed to exist in this space that I’ve created? Is this just part of the landscape that I live in?

SO much introspection from one less than stellar comment from some person I do not know and who does not know me and ultimately does not really even know what they are talking about.  I believe in evaluation, though, no matter how painful or unfair it seems. Suddenly I felt alone and targeted and like I was on an island by myself and….I just flashed on the Carrie scene where the mom says “They’re all gonna laugh at you!” for some reason. No one is laughing but when I experience comments like this, which is rare, I feel like Carrie, who is getting her period in the girl’s locker room and she is on the floor being pelted by tampons and maxi pads by a mob that relishes in the pain and embarrassment of others.

Public Pariah. Prison Pariah. The word pariah makes me think of piranha. No relation.

Of course, this public presentation has me thinking about my inner circle and what those people think about me. Anyone who has ever had anything negative to express about myself or Jeremy in my inner circle has either never said anything to me directly or they have just blocked me and disappeared. My brain goes to dark places, though, and I imagine people feeling silent contempt for me. I imagine all of this because sometimes being a human being means that although there are a thousand positive comments, the negative few are the ones that evoke the most in us.


Shades of freedom

There is so much hesitation when talking about Jeremy’s potential for freedom, for release into the world and into my embrace. There is so much hesitation and so much trepidation that are at war with my hope and the vision that I have in my head of a life with my life partner. So much that I normally don`t even want to talk about it. I cannot talk about it some days. The thoughts and the feelings that those thoughts own sit on a shelf in the back of my mind, there for accessing but not for showing. What is the truth? That I`m terrified of my husband never getting a second chance and I feel a sense of overwhelming nervousness that he will, that we will be able to build a life after so many years of being apart the majority of the time. I live in this space between crying while laughing and laughing while crying and sometimes I`m not sure which one is which. There are days when I`m not sure if my life is very empty or very full. All I know is that I have a faint glimmer of hope and sometimes that is all you need to get out of bed in the morning, committed to your cause, ready to give it all you’ve got even though you are tired.

Jeremy and I have never known each other outside of prison walls. We have never eaten a meal at our dining room table together or held hands in the rain or been able to leave each other silly notes that are part smart ass, part madly in love. We have never shopped for groceries together, embraced in sadness beyond the barb wire. We have never shared immense joy the moment it happens out in the world, far from the confines of the prison and its rules, its walls. But…it feels like we have done all of those things and more. These last 15 years have felt like anything real is supposed to feel, complete with its ups and downs, two steps forward and ten steps back. No crazy imagination necessary. We built our own version of freedom ourselves and have sustained each other with the restraint breaking completeness that unconditional love provides. Him and I in our little bubble in the middle of a visiting room, on the phone with our louder than life laughter and the passionate affirming silence of two people who don`t need to say a word to know. We know each other better than we know ourselves and I never thought I would have that with another person.

The other day Jeremy told me that his friend Mike was rolling up and transferring to a prison up north, that he was giving up on his appeals and wanted the freedom of being at a prison that allows more time outside of the cell, but not one that inmates are really releasing from. This prison up north is where he is going to get comfortable, to settle into his sentence and maybe where he is going to leave this world. This news was unexpected and caught me off guard. “I didn’t know he was leaving. You didn’t tell me” I said​. I like Mike quite a bit and in fact, I just saw him the last time I visited. When he saw me, he lit up and gifted me a huge goofy grin and a wave. Upon my departure, he wished me a safe drive. I wish I would have paid attention to that moment a little better now.

I hate endings and I hate not knowing if I’ll ever see someone again. Knowing that he is relocating to come to terms with giving up on life on the outside pains me in a way that I cannot describe, but Jeremy explained to me that Mike wanted to be happy and he knew that he could be happy somewhere else, that as a habitual criminal in the past who has caught a serious sentence, that he knew he would probably never get out and didn`t want to pursue freedom to the outside world further.

Freedom is available in shades, in levels that are so personal to a person and a circumstance. Although I am sad about Mike, I have to think of his choice as liberation for him, one that he is choosing. How can I argue with that? I cannot. I can only wish him well and focus my attention on grasping my hope for my husband’s shade of freedom that involves a life beyond the prison gate.


Visiting vicissitudes

Having the ability to put on a mask when things are bothering you is a gift. Or is it a curse? Or is it both? All I know is that my gift of sublimation has somehow melted into a puddle of retreat and inability to cope externally. The pause on life is definitely on right now.

Prison will do that to you, and me, and many people. Sometimes you just stop caring and sublimating and having your proverbial shit together and you just ..hide. Only it isn’t really hiding so much as it is self preservation and recharging and just being. Also, eating chips and reading, but those activities are a given when you decide to hermit. If they aren’t for you, you’re  hermiting wrong.
That’s where I have been, inside my head and inside the comfort of my little domicile, where it’s ok to not want to see or talk to anyone, where it’s ok to breathe in the biggest, deepest, most exhausting breath and let out a blood curdling scream into a pillow. My cat doesn’t care. She is used to my moments of insanity dubbed as an “awakening”. So, me in my little bubble of avoiding the outside world and the heat and any plans, but then comes visiting. I want to go and I don’t want to go. I go. I always go. I’m always happy I go but also not so secretly despise my time at the prison.
While waiting to enter the prison for visiting last week, I think my layered exterior, that I spent nearly 15 years building, started to crumble a bit, or peel. It was peeling, like old wall paint and what lies beneath is starting to come to the surface, visible to the naked eye. Or ….was it less crumble and peel and more I don’t give a damn anymore about being contained? You can decide.
Being out in the morning Summer Las Vegas heat while waiting in a line full of people to get into another line to be physically searched to get into a prison visiting room will do things to a person. 1. The first part will make you sweat. It is God awful hot in the Summer here and I loathe it with all that I am. I have always hated the heat, just ask my mom. 2. You will be irate, or at least I will be because sometimes the excitement of visiting is no match for the utter pain it is to get into visit sometimes. I grit my teeth, literally, and sometimes go into a meditative trance to separate my mind from my body.
Sometimes while waiting in line, I see these young girls, full of hope about seeing their man and I think about how if they stay, that feeling won’t last forever. Not that they will stop loving their inmate or that they will stop being excited to some degree, but this shit sucks and it’s hard and to do it for years and years wears you down. It’s nice to see the beginning, though, the naivete that maybe I had once when I first started to visit Jeremy shortly after my 18th birthday. I watch these girls with curiosity and misplaced jealousy because I want to be excited too. I want to exist in a place of hope, but the honeymoon of anything new does not last forever and I want to take these girls by the shoulders and shake them. I want to shake them and hug them and tell them to run. It’s human to feel conflicting emotions and to want to act in conflicting ways and prison shines a light on those human pushes and pulls.
Anyway, it must have been the heat and the unsuspecting future struggle I was seeing all around me, but I found myself talking to some of the regular women I usually pass the time chatting with and I just blurted out “I’m sick of this shit!”. My ridiculous outburst was met with laughter and head nods rooted in understanding and the dreaded question, “How long does he have left?”. I respond with “I don’t know” because I am too tired and surprised by my own blatant proclamation to craft a good answer. But it’s true, I don’t know. For some reason I add that I’ve been doing this for nearly 15 years, the visiting thing, and I feel heads whip around and eyes are on me. One lady looks at me like I’m some sort of freak(and maybe I am) or maybe she is surprised because I look relatively young still(this is me trying to make myself feel better). One lady just says “Wow” and another “What!”, not really a question but an exclamation of disbelief.
It dies down quickly as we move ahead in the line, but internally I’m reeling from what just happened and I start to panic(this is what happens when you have anxiety). The rest of my visit feels weird and off. I’m agitated and luckily I’m married to someone who knows when to press me for answers, but not too hard. Jeremy knows this situation is tough and we strategize to navigate the choppy waters together. I tell him about my outburst and he laughs because while he is sympathetic to my discomfort and suffering, he knows that laughing makes my heavy heart light again and his laugh invariably makes me smile. I am grateful for this and that he lets me spin out in my head while I stare off into space and he eats a bag of Doritos. During the spacing out and chip eating mini marathon, we keep one hand free to hold onto the other, an anchor of a sort in a situation that can sweep you under and away at any given moment. Sometimes land is too fucking far away and you need to learn how to swim in the waters you are in. Holding hands means we are together, we are swimming with one another.
I was doing a health assessment for my insurance recently and it is divided into sections about your history, diet, exercise, preventative health, and emotional health. I scored not so well on my emotional health section(because I was honest when checking those stupid little bubbles) and at the end it said next to my emotional health section, “needs work” with a sad face and a cloud over it. I literally burst out laughing at this ridiculous “measure” and scoring system. How do you measure the emotional health of someone whose spouse lives in a prison and all the work and baggage and madness that comes with that? I want to write to the evaluation people and ask them to include a section that will not paint my emotional health as “needs work”, but rather “Hey, kid, you’re doing the best you can. Hang on and hang in there”.

Sunday January 22nd, 2017

I’m not going to lie. I never imagined that being the wife of an inmate was going to be this hard. I used to watch shows about prison romances and I thought to myself “This is great! I get tons of time to myself and I get to be married to someone amazing who won’t steal the covers”. You see, before Jeremy I never wanted to marry. I didn’t. I told my mom I didn’t want to get married. I didn’t think it was in my cards to be with anyone for many reasons. Mostly because I thought I was too difficult, or too damaged, or too much. I needed someone who was everything I needed them to be without question and I knew I wasn’t going to find that, so I didn’t want anything.

Last night I was paging through this book I got on Palmistry(read: Palmistry. Not fortune telling, but an art that CAN tell about a person. Did I lose you? Am I nuts? I prefer open minded to life’s mysteries) and it explains that your non dominant hand(for me, my left) is the hand you look to see what was there at birth for you and your dominant hand is the hand of “now” and the path you’re on(there is a whole explanation of why, but you can read the book if you want to know). Anyway, my birth hand does not have a heart line. I compared my hands and just looked at them for a long time. No heart line. My “now” hand has a strong heart line and I believe wholeheartedly that it is because of Jeremy. We found each other by chance. By the chance of me being some strange teenage girl who wanted to write people in prison. By the chance that someone I talked to online told me Jeremy was a nice person and that I should write him. By the chance that I wrote that letter and I mailed it 17 years ago. By chance. Or by design?

Back to the present, though. The last few years have been difficult for me. I have felt more depressed, more lonely, and more lost than I ever have. Being in Nevada and away from my shore of home(I don’t know what home even is anymore. I guess it’s Jeremy but I still miss…somewhere)has taken a lot out of me. Sometimes it destroys my spirit to ashes and I am left with some form of myself that I don’t recognize. This all sounds dramatic, I know, but I’m a person who feels a lot, all the time, and I know my story and my relationship and the trials we go through are powerful beyond measure and I think it’s important to share that. Anyway. What rises from the ashes? The Phoenix. It sort of feels like that, all the time, and it is emotionally painful, and then I’m rising. Funny how that works. Life pushes us to the very brink and then backs off so we can repair. Or does it not back off and we just get so much stronger?

I keep thinking of this quote I read somewhere, “The greater the affliction, the greater the reward”. Now, that really sounds strange, doesn’t it? But…this quote. It gets me through sometimes because I have to believe in my cause and if I’m suffering, I have to believe that it is for a reason because I’m still here, still doing, still waking up and working my way to the end of the tunnel where the light is.

Which brings me to present life. I’m looking for a new place to live that has a bit more space and I went to see one yesterday and for some reason I just blurted out “I like this place. It feels safe and I want to feel safe because it’s just kitty and I. My husband is incarcerated”. I told the realtor that. This realtor I had only met once before, briefly, for about 5 minutes. I usually try to get a better read on people before I drop that bomb, but I dropped it right there in the kitchen of that rental.

There is always a moment, where I’m sure someone is going to verbally crucify me with their words or give me a look that makes the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. My mouth got super dry waiting for her to say something. I was so nervous. Her response? “I get it. It happens”. She proceeded to tell me a story about how someone she knows is in prison and that things happen sometimes and humans make mistakes and she is not judging me.

After the showing, on the walk out to the parking lot, she commended me for sticking by my husband and let me know how “cool, strong, and sweet” she thought I was. She offered a friendly ear if I ever wanted to talk and she said she had to hug me and she did.

While my life feels like an uphill climb somedays and I am absolutely battered emotionally by the missing parts of “us” right now, there always seems to be a little nudge, a little sign, a little voice that tells me “the greater the affliction, the greater the reward. Keep going, you’re almost there”.

I`m only one call away..

I like that song. You know that song, right? “I`m only one call away, I`ll be there to save the day”. Yeah, yeah. Cheesy, but goody. My song would be “I`m only one prepaid call away”, or “I`m only one collect call away”, or “I`m only one call, that has a 30 minute limit, away”.  Or….no call away because of a lock down because prisoners in GP cannot stop stabbing each other. “It’s how they show each other love” Jeremy says and then laughs.

“Do you know what I want to tell you every time we have to say goodbye?” I asked him.. . . .

“I want to tell you not to go. I want to tell you to please not leave me”.  That was difficult for me to say to him. It almost felt too raw and too hokey for me. I have difficulty with emotional exposure, believe it or not. Give me a blog and I will bleed my heart, but I feel even more center stage and nervous when I have to expose myself to my husband over the phone line. Funny how that works. It’s true, though, that the older you get, the more chances you take. Life chances, emotional chances. You say “Fuck it. I`m all in. I LOVE YOU and this hurts and I`m here”.  I`m here, across the telephone wires, and my voice is carries over the air to you and I hope you call me back even though it’s time to lockdown for the night. The feeling that comes to mind is helpless.

Anyway. Not leaving. Not hanging up. Staying with me. I know that isn`t a reality right now. I know that after we get that 1 minute warning, that it is only a matter of seconds counting down that we have to wrap the phone call up and I`m usually not ready, I have more to say, so many things, things left unsaid. So frustrating. Even if the phone call starts off normal enough, somehow we tumble through becoming infatuated with each other all over again and I want him to stay with me. *click. disconnect*

Sometimes he can call back, but when he can’t and I know he can’t, I stay on the line until it disconnects and I keep the phone up to my ear sometimes, waiting for his voice to return. It doesn’t return and it doesn’t matter how many years I’ve been doing this or how many phone calls have ended and started, my heart is still lost when we have to say goodbye. More silly hokey love stuff. You can vomit. Unless you’ve been in this situation and you have the guts to really lay it all out on the line, the vomiting doesn’t bother me. I hope, if anything, that my exposure is embraced and that someone doesn’t feel so alone or stupid or ridiculous because of me.

Anyway again. For a while there, we stopped saying goodbye, and instead said “Later” or “I`ll be right back”, but then we started to say goodbye again. It’s weird how cycles start and stop and start again. It’s weird how some prisons have 15 minute phone calls once a month and some have 30 minute phone calls that are limited only be tier time and how many people want to make calls.

The phone calls, though. They become my lifeline to my best friend. They become a stand in for every moment that we miss out on together. They become the light in the dark, my shoulder to cry on, my coffee with a friend when times are tough. I spend my days on the phone as part of my job and I absolutely hate it. I loathe talking on the phone usually to anyone. I have a weird phone phobia that I’ve had to overcome to communicate with Jeremy the way I do over those recorded calls, exposing myself completely, unapologetically.

He said he’s out on the tier tonight and he’s calling and I’ve already lined up all the things I want to tell him and ask him and I hope he can call back so we can talk for an entire hour because today is one of those days and an hour is so short, but I need every second of it to bridge that time between when we hang up and the next time he calls.