Tag Archives: fate

I love you and I hate prison

This is a statement I make so often that it almost comes out automatically, thoughtlessly, sometimes even as a filler in conversations during difficult times.
“I know, baby. I know”. He says this every time, but not automatically or thoughtlessly or as a filler. He just knows and then he is quiet, thinking of the next string of words to step on, hoping they aren’t a land mine. Sometimes success, sometimes a lost foot. You can’t argue with facts, but you can chock life up to something more.
“I love you and I hate prison”. Not BUT I hate prison; AND I hate prison. I don’t know why I choose to say it that way. Maybe because I don’t like to say I love someone but, because but means conditional and I hate conditions. Too much of my life is spent in a conditional state, under conditions.
Quite often I wonder how we got here to this loving the human but hating the prison place. Not you, the reader, and I, but Jeremy and I. I’m a poser of questions there are no easy answers to, but I ask them anyway. Somehow the you in “I love you and I hate prison” always has the answers for me. What’s my favorite answer to my question about why we came to be? Why did we come down this path? Why did the pieces arrange this way and why have we clung to each other for dear life all these years?
That fate exists. That sometimes souls come together because they were meant to be and not randomly. Is this a designed path? Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy? I don’t know, Freddie Mercury. Prison feels a bit like both sometimes.
“Whhhyyyyyyyyy???” I ask and whine or I ask and then laugh and then whine.
“I have loved you since before you were born. I have always loved you.” He says.
How can you argue with that?
Prison or not.

When you were young


Choices and Chances

Being alone, for the most part, has been both my strength and downfall in life. I can be surrounded by 100 people and still feel alone and it’s in those moments that I realize that I can have all the friends I want, it will not compare to having someone special, someone to love, someone to be close to. People have asked me if I actively date other people and the answer is no. I don`t seek out people to fill in for my husband, I don`t troll dating sites or feel like I have to have someone with me to complete my life, but there have been a couple of people the last year or so who have confused my feelings about my life in both good and bad ways.

These people came into my life by chance and I would never take back anything that I`ve said or experienced. While I don`t believe in seeking affection or having feelings for someone, in the romantic sense, outside of a marriage, I also realize that my marriage is very different. It is different because of the circumstances, the lack of contact(especially the last 1.5 years) and it is also different because my husband is amazing. While he has had his fear that I would leave him for someone else, he has also been incredibly supportive. I can be an open book, I can be a 29 year old woman with wild feelings and a need to branch out at times. He understands and he harbors no ill feelings towards my choices. If he didn`t want me to open my heart and feelings to others, I wouldn’t and that would be the end of the story, but the fact that he is confident in our marriage enough to allow me my freedom of choice strengthens our bond in unspoken ways.

I don`t regret anything I`ve ever done. I wouldn`t take back any feelings for other people that I`ve put out into the world. I believe in every decision I`ve ever made and I also believe in chance encounters enriching us as human beings, no matter where we may be anchored in our lives. These two people, while very different, have taught me things about myself and things about people in general. They have made me realize where I`m messing up in my life and where I`m excelling and I am thankful every day for any situation that allows me to grow. My feelings are never wasted if they can go towards positive realizations and succeeding in being more secure with myself.

I no longer speak to either of these two people; one has been gone months and one has been “let go” more recently. Both were difficult to let go of in different ways. One of these people I actually miss dearly, as I feel they were a positive influence in my life and I just couldn`t wrap my head around anything a few months ago and I am sorry for that. I sabotaged a wonderful friendship because of my own demons. People make mistakes and sometimes those mistakes are unable to be taken back or repaired but I miss this person. I think about this person all the time and I`ve shared this sentiment with my husband as a way of trying to cope with the loss. It’s amazing when your husband is also your best friend and your therapist. The other person, that I`ve recently parted ways with, was toxic but enticing. Isn’t that the way it always goes? I tend to want to hold on tight to what I know isn`t good for me but I finally let go. So, here we are again. I`ve come full circle from wanting no one but my husband to rethinking my entire life to realizing, once again, that I am where I need to be. I don`t know if the circle will ever take me back around again and I hope it doesn’t to avoid heartache but what is life without learning experiences?

I know that I am grateful for my husband. I am grateful for his patience, his devotion, his understanding, and mostly I`m grateful that he truly loves me and would sacrifice his own happiness for my own. This is not a typical, “conventional” marriage arrangement and we’ve both learned the ability to bend so we don`t break. It makes me nervous to write these words and to put them out there for the world to read but this is my story and I believe in honesty at any cost.

Once upon a time…

It’s only 10:30 in the morning and I`ve been to the post office twice already. I went to send Jeremy some mail, early before I ran my errands, and checked my p.o. box even though I knew it was too early for anything to be there. I ran my errands, went back to the post office to check again and still nothing. I stood around looking like a stalker for about 20 minutes, checking my box what seemed like every 30 seconds, then I told myself to go home. I`ll check again, of course, but I came home so that the post office employees didn`t think I was plotting something. Letters are the most important form of communication right now. They are my only real direct contact with my husband on a daily, and weekly basis. Sure, he will call me next week for our one phone call a month, but I live for the mail right now. It got me thinking back to when this all started. What is this? This amazing, crazy, life changing love. It reminds me of a time when all we had were letters to get to know each other and communicate. We started in letters and here is how it went for anyone that is curious.

I tell some people that I knew Jeremy before prison just to ease their anxiety about my being married to a prisoner, but the raw truth is that I started writing to Jeremy after he got to prison, and I never knew him on the streets. A lot of people wonder how this happened, and assume I sought out some prisoner writing service, but that isn`t what happened.

When I was 13, I started becoming strangely interested in true crime. Let me first say that I do not condone crime or anything of that nature. I simply embrace the bizarre that life has to offer, and I`m generally interested in how people work, why people act the way they do, etc. I guess you could say that I am fully aware of the dark side of life and I`m not afraid to get close to it. I was always interested in subjects that may be considered “taboo” or “weird” and it doesn’t bother me to admit that because it is who I am. So, when I was 13, I started to write a few people in prison, and when I was 15 I got suspended from school for having true crime articles on my binder. Kids like the “strange”, and there were other students doing way worse things than having a few newspaper clippings on their binder, so I quit regular school and enrolled myself in independent studies at 15 . This meant being at home a lot, teaching myself, and ultimately left me with a lot of time on my hands. So what did I do? I wrote more people, got Jeremy’s address from a friend I had online, and I wrote him. Didn`t really expect a response, and to be perfectly honest I did not know who Jeremy was, what his crime was, or really anything about him. My friend said he was nice and I should write him. Done!

Well, when I got a response to my initial letter, I was definitely let down, because he gave me a hard time about writing him, asking me questions like “Do your parents know you’re writing to people in prison?”, “Don`t you have any real friends?”, and “You know that some people in prison are manipulative?”. Ugh. I was annoyed at his seemingly parental like inquisition. I was like, “Screw that guy”, and I didn`t write back immediately. Sometime later I decided to reply and tell him it was okay that I wrote him because my mom didn`t care, and after that first initial exchange he started to relax and we started to write regularly about our likes, dislikes, music, interests, etc.

I was a bit of a wild child at the time and definitely not looking for a relationship. I was 16, confused, and just trying to survive teenage angst. He never crossed the line, and was always super respectful of both my age, and just me in general. We were strictly friends, he gave me solid life advice, and I`m sure I entertained him with my ridiculous ideas about pretty much everything. We wrote on and off, sometimes not exchanging a letter for months, and then it happened. I found myself obsessively waiting for his mail, quite like I am now, sometime shortly before I turned 18. We started writing more frequently, sending several letters per week, making the conversation impossible to keep up with. We both knew what was happening, but we vowed to be single forever and we actually created a little club, where the only two members were him and I, called “The Lonely Hearts Singles Club”. Cheesy? Absolutely. This was a cute and  roundabout way of telling each other that we would be linked for life. He knew it long before I did.

After a lot of mail, and a couple of very expensive 15 minute phone calls, he wrote me a letter that changed my life. I don`t have this letter anymore, and I`ll explain why in another blog, but this was the letter where he dropped all defenses and told me he was in love with me, that he wanted to be with me, and that he truly could not imagine his life without me. I must have read that letter a thousand times, wearing the paper out from taking it out of the envelope over and over again. I knew when I read those words, that I was in trouble, and I immediately wrote back and confessed the same. We were no longer singles with lonely hearts, but two people who were about to embark on a crazy life journey together.

After I turned 18, Jeremy sent me a visiting application and I was approved in March of 2003. My mom drove me out to see him and my life has not been the same since. The End. Of this post that is 🙂