It always seems strange to me that I`m able to properly mourn any holiday without my husband because we haven’t really celebrated many holidays together, much less in the proper sense of traditional family gatherings. It really stuns me sometimes. I have never been in the presence of my husband, who I`ve been married to for over 8 years now, outside of prison walls. We have never gone shopping for gifts together, he has never seen me after one too many glasses of wine, we have never kissed under a stupid mistletoe. We have built an entire world together, over the last 15 + years, that has consisted of so much “making it work” and accepting the fact that we are two of the closest people, who just so happen to be separated by prison walls and a life sentence. It stuns me and it also renders me fragile when I think too much about it.
Displaying weakness is not strength of mine. Is that an oxymoron of a sentence or what? Speaking the hurt is not easy for me to do with those I`m closest to. I`m getting better at it, but sometimes it’s hard for me to put words to feelings that are tough. It’s hard to say “Hey I`m hurting. This marriage is awesome and I want to be happy, but I am very sad right now.” I think the holidays make loving someone in prison extra hard. You look around at all the holiday spirit and you want some of it, but there are big pieces missing. Pieces that are so big, so integral, that it seems almost impossible to really feel any type of genuine joy. I know that I find myself digging deep for holiday spirit and failing miserably at times.
That last paragraph was so honest that now I feel uncomfortable, exposed, as if that were any more possible on this blog where I’ve laid myself bare. Like I said, it’s hard to talk about hurt at its core, about imagining what life would be like if Jeremy and I were able to be together and also imagining a life where we never knew each other or even a life where we parted ways. Speaking hurt, speaking the hard stuff doesn’t feel in the spirit of the season, but it is a truth that exists in my life and one that I am unable to sweep under the rug for another day, especially not at a time when our hearts as humans are enveloped in moments of….being together.
I have a relatively new friend who found me through social media and reads my blog (Hi!) and is also involved with someone in prison. We talk about the ridiculous prison stuff that makes us laugh, but we also talk about the stuff that hurts, the stuff that people shy away from and I am grateful for her conversation. She reminds me of myself in a lot of ways. We are very similar and although I`m not much older than her, I feel like she is a younger sister, a younger me and I want to shield her from maybe writing any of the tough blog entries I’ve written over the years. I also want to hug her and I want to thank her because her fresh friendship has made me feel hopeful again. It has made me feel young love vicariously and reminds me of when Jeremy and I first met.
I literally almost cried as I wrote that last sentence. The holidays will mess you up just as much as love will and together…they are the downfall of my emotional stability. So, the tough stuff. Sometimes you have to write it, speak it, embrace it, face it, and make peace with it. Hi my name is Desiree and I`m married to someone who lives in a prison and holidays are difficult and I am sad and this sucks and I want cookies.
I got an ad in my email box from eHarmony this morning and it made me laugh for some reason. “Don`t you want to spend the holidays with someone special?” Yes, eHarmony, I do. I would also like eHarmony to fuck off.
I told Jeremy about the email and he asked me if I thought that if we both did the questionnaire if we would be matched together. He said he thought we would be. I`m sure, but who knows. I don`t know why life happens the way it does or why we gravitate towards the people we do, but I do know that putting words to the shitty feelings and the sadness allows a greater appreciation for the good stuff, even if it is muddled by the pain. Holiday lights still sparkle even when they are dim right?