Tag Archives: holiday

Holiday Blog 2016

I’ve been trying to come up with a prison holiday themed blog entry for the last couple of weeks now and I have deleted more drafts than I ever have before. I gave my lack of a completed entry the title of “writer’s block”, but maybe sometimes  what you’re feeling doesn’t translate to the written word and you have to be okay with that. So, I’ll stick with this: yesterday I had one of the last visits with my husband this year and it felt bittersweet and comfortably uncomfortable. His mom, dad, and sister drove out to see him, so it was a nice family visit. The visiting room was packed with people, smells, microwaveable food, watchful eyes, kids excited to see their papas, crying spouses, holiday decorations at the front desk and us.

Prison sucks. Prison sucks big time around the holidays and sometimes my heart feels full and empty all at the same time and I wonder how that can be. I know that it feels that way because each holiday season I am left almost empty by what the year has taken from me but I am also replenished by the love I am given by a person I never thought I could find in this life and by a family that has taken such good care of me in Jeremy’s absence.
So, yes, prison is shitty and heartbreaking, but it’s also where I found my light and purpose in life after I sent a letter to a stranger 16 years ago. Each holiday, I dig deep for more strength to go on and continue to open my heart and seek freedom and love in a place that thrives on anything but.

Holidays in handcuffs

The holidays are supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year and instead they end up being the most stressful, and in my case, the most difficult to get through. I have an abundance of family and friend support but it doesn’t quite measure up to what I need from my husband at this time. As of right now we are still somewhat restricted as far as our communications go and it is tough to get cut off at the end of a 15 minute phone call when I want to share the joy and the sadness of the season that I am currently feeling. I`ve been writing a lot, both snailmail and “email”(Email sent through an online service that is printed out at the institution and given to the inmate). Despite all the writing I cannot seem to get all the words out that I need to, I cannot express the storm inside me that is composed of both joy and desperation.

Today I`m flying out to California to see both my family and Jeremy’s family, and while I am excited, there is a piece of me that is missing and that cannot be found except hundreds of miles away in a cold concrete cell. The last year has made me strong, though, and I know that although half of my heart is somewhere else, that I am functional and able to face whatever comes my way. I am carrying the thought of my husband with me today and tomorrow and am thankful that the greatest holiday gift I have been given this year, and every year, is the love of a person who loves me unconditionally and wholly. Image